Lies and Impulse

I lie very often. A lot more often than what I should be proud of (ask Ibukun for reference). I’ve lied to many people about many things – usually small things, the harmless ones. The ones which make the world seem like a happier place (Blanche?). Lying is not something I do to make a fool of you or to make myself seem charismatic in any way. It’s more of a test than anything. And it’s a bad habit. It’s impulsive. I don’t know why I’m training myself to lie well. But I am. I’m a liar.

Can you trust anything I say? Now that I’ve told you I have the tendencies of a compulsive liar, will everything seem like a stupid little lie? A game? That’s all lies are – games to see whether or not I can make it past. But why is that considered wrong? Why is anything considered wrong? We don’t know who we are, how we got here, or what we’re supposed to do. So if there isnt any distinct purpose – how do we define what’s good and what’s bad? As long as I’m not hurting anyone, would I be considered good? My lies are less than harmful – oftentimes they are neutral statements of exaggeration. There is never any harm intended. And I’ve always wondered why I do it. It’s more instinct than anything. I didn’t think I’d ever figure it out.

I once told someone I snuck out of a lockdown, ran to get some pizza, and came back without being noticed. As ridiculous as that sounds, someone believed me. And they laughed. Man it was good to see that. Of course, others around caught on pretty quickly that it was a bluff, and they seemed rather disappointed in me (I don’t get it), but that one girl’s face that lit up of the thought of such a thing – worth it. Because I laughed too. I laugh with others. I like to include them and feel included, even if it’s just for a moment. Community.

And if I tell someone I’m about to lie, and they’re in it with me, it just bonds us further. There’s so much potential to these pointless lies! They’re jokes, and yet, people could point at me and say they can’t trust me. Giving my natural lying habits it makes sense, but is it fair to classify me as a bad person for a habit of harmless and humorous lies? I wouldn’t say so. I would argue that it’s really the honest people you can’t trust. Once they earn your trust, could they lie every time after and you’d never know? Of course, you’d be expecting me to lie, but who knows whether or not you trust the honest ones? That comes back to you then, considering me to be a bad person for natural tendencies of mine tells me a lot more about you than it does about me.

I’ve also noticed I lie to try and get a response out of someone. To try and predict a reaction. Most often I fail – but it’s the thrill in trying, hoping for the off chance that I’m right. Even if I’m wrong – I piece together another pair of cause-and-effect in terms of social interactions. Although I have no use for that information, I consider it a guilty pleasure. It’s a test of impulse. I come up with a reasonable lie, and gauge the reaction in a given time. It’s quite revealing now that I think about it. Impulsive decisions reveal next to everything about an individual. And that’s my goal with lying. To learn all I can through the most simple of conversations – ones based off of lies and impulses.

A lie is so much more than a sin. It’s an art.


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