(Posted below are my brain spew notes)
-So, defeating judgement. My point is to illustrate the kind of judgement to defeat, both internal and external, and how Personally I work to rid myself of it. I haven’t gotten over it. Not fully. Full honesty, I struggle with others judgement of me, and the criticism I place on myself. I chose this topic not because I am skilled in it, but because I am learning how. To teach others what I am trying to learn myself is one of the best ways to retain it. It would be a lie to stand up here and pretend I am above others opinions of me. But I’ve got to a point where I am weighed down so much that it was impeding my life.
-(talk about dress?)
-On the flipside, there is no value in ignoring all external/internal opinions. You share your space with others, whether you like it or not. You must coexist with these people, and if there is a consistent and warranted negative opinion of you, then fix it. Be someone others want to be around.
-It is about balance, not getting crushed in the wave of eyes and perceptions, but also sharing the world in a kind way.
-We are also set up for this
-We are at the glorious time of our lives where people struggle with sexuality, appearance, the way we walk talk sit laugh smile desire love. Judgement of the self can spill into of judgement of others and vice versa.
-So, lets level the playing field. Lets start by having a common definition of judgement. This way we can move forward to defeating it together.
-Judgement. Focusing on the negative term for my purposes today. Because yes, someone can have “good judgement”. But for my purposes, “judgement” means a negative assumption of someone. It can be based on truth or rumour. Fact or fiction. But it is there. For better or worse.
-So what’s the damage?
-The loops. The thought loops. Over and over again with the same thoughts. Why? How? What can I do to stop them? What do they think? Why do they think that? Is it true?
-It worms its way into your mind. For me, it caused me to enter a cycle of appeasement, anytime I heard any inkling of a rumour, I went into damage control mode. But in that desperation, I either did more damage, or worried people unnecessarily. There is a fear that grows of what people say when your back is turned. Who you are in your mind is different than who you are in other people’s minds. That will never change. The trick is reconciling it. Or so I keep telling myself.
In grade 11, I felt on top of the world. I felt like I could be myself. The free tongue i was raised with could roam. I picked up the skill from my mother, I felt (and still can) like I can talk to anyone, anywhere. This makes it easy to meet people. This makes it easy to make friends. Makes it easy to help others.
But it has a negative side.
I struggle to know my audience. And I talk freely, joke freely. And I didn’t read how sometimes this speech could present me in a way I didn’t intend. People assumed I was someone I was not. Someone they could mock, or move in on. I come from a crude family, so crude humour is just my way. I was unaware that some thought this was an ‘in’ to both me and my body. My openness led to a reputation, not those who truly knew me, but to a quiet minority that I rarely interacted with. This kind of reputation was hard to disprove, as it is hard to curtail my natural sense of humour.
So how am I learning to accept? Again it is a struggle. This is what I’ve been trying.
Those who know me. Know me. Those who matter, know my truth. Those who matter will know your truth.
The ones who have a negative perception of you will pick you apart looking for more information to build up their misguided ideas. They will hear what they want to hear. See what they want to see. Trying to run around defending yourself is feeding the beast. Make amends if you have actually done harm, not to defend yourself from a lie. If people want to know and they ask you tell the truth. Then you’re done.
Turn inwards. What about you makes you a member of your society? What do you bring to others? To yourself? To yourself is more important. Even if you don’t think so. If you can not think of anything, lie, until you believe. Self worth can not be dictated by others, it can be bolstered but not dictated.
Honestly do this with me.I find it helpful. Think of three dumb things about yourself. Things that won’t get you elected president. But that you could put on a dating profile as a joke. When I become consumed by the thoughts of others, I try this. Anyone want to share?
-I know all the words to Opposites Attract by Paula Abdul and Mc Scat Kat.
-I am good at taking care of plants
-I can do a shoulder stand
-I have a great ass.
Because I need to move on. I need to stand on my own two feet. Because they don’t matter. For my (our) health they can’t matter. I (we) are all amazing people. There will be days when people don’t accept that. Weeks, years. But those that matter will. I have to realize that. I will.
I hope you enjoyed my presentation. But if you didn’t, I’m going to tell myself that’s okay.
“I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much.
It is exhausting.”