There’s is a certain dazzle and personality required for spoken word poetry and speeches that I have yet to capture in written form (as compared to when spoken); add pazzaz as needed for your full enjoyment.
To be
Good,
Is to be anything but
Myself.
Mom says,
Girls sit with legs crossed
Mouths shut
Lashes fluttered.
Mom says,
You are better seen
Not heard
So I bury my personality
Under the guise of
Purity
The girl grows up.
She learns to be timid
In Church
And bold everywhere else
She learns to wear a cross on
Sunday
To cleanse herself of
The adolescence she lived
During the week –
Dirty.
There always was something fascinating about duality.
She continues to grow:
Transforms.
Questions flutter through her mind
Uncertainty creeps in
And the prospect of
A living paradox dissolves.
I have to make a decision.
I choose Him.
It’s difficult,
Then I choose them.
It’s sad,
Then I choose Him.
It’s lonely,
Then I choose them.
This vacillation
Grows tiring
So I worship
Myself.
If God is a woman
And she’s beautiful
And she’s strong
And she’s loved
Then why can’t she be me?
I worship at an altar
Of my own
Creation
My flesh guides me
To a place as
Hopeless as when I began.
In the end,
I choose Him:
Nothing else makes sense.
Adonai
Father
Yahweh
Lord
Shalom –
I’m left calling your name
And singing a
Song full of praise
From a mouth full of doubt.
I have a lot of amazing, Godly people in my life who inspire and motivate me every day. Most notably, my grandmother. To me, she is the epitome of grace, generosity, kindness and everything I want to be. Sometimes, I’ll look over at her and I’m sure she could tilt her chin up and whisper directly into the ear of God she is just so light. She inspires me so much but I have yet to attain that level of ethereal. With that, this Ted Talk is dedicated to her.
When I was, like, 13 Jesus and I were like this – best buds. The first half Corinthians says “no temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind” my 13-year-old self was exceptional. Nothing “common” about her; I was fully committed to my faith. This meant I was never unsure, I was soooo annoying, and most importantly, I was vulnerable.
So one cursed evening my family and I were watching some reality TV straight bonding – before my teen angst and all that. Can you believe a sex scene comes on? When I tell you I was floored – flabbergasted! Just in shock of how vulgar humanity could be – I thought I would never recover.
I ran to my room and prayed, begged, and bargained with God to cleanse my mind of that bundle of beige bodies but no – I was traumatized. I felt like Jesus was letting me down. I mean the men in black got a pen, boop, memory cleared; you said what? – Jesus, what’s going on? Why can’t I have boop? After that, and a string of events proceeding, Jesus and I went from this to this – and thus began my turbulent descent into high school and out of faith began. Yvonne Orji in her TEDTalk said she was bamboozled by Jesus into her faith; tell me why I was sideswiped by Satan?
The funny thing is, I never thought my TEDTalk would be about my struggles with faith. I’ve been hyping up this moment in my head since grade 9. I’m gonna say this or that and it’s gonna be amazing… Tell me why I’ve been trying to write a Ted talk for 2 months and had nothing to say! I talk so much but when it counts I’ve got nothing to say – that’s a cosmic joke! Jokes aside, I’ve done a lot of growing up over the past four years and when it comes down to it nothing matters to me as much as my faith.
I think the greatest mistake I made when I was 14 – I had just turned 14 when the cursed event occurred – is I got too comfortable. I thought I knew God so well that I didn’t need to challenge my understanding and didn’t anticipate any sort of difficulties. That’s the point I’m trying to drive home in the little time I have left: Don’t get too comfortable because nothing comes easy; you’ve gotta know your values before you get jumbled up.
I’m not up here telling you all this to persuade or deter you from Christianity. I am called to be a witness and that’s all I will do. However, I do want you to realize that when you find that thing – religion, relationships, a good book, whatever it is for you – that thing that finally gives you a grasp on life. I mean that things that pulls back the curtains and lets you not only see but appreciate the smoke and mirrors – when you find that thing, hold on tight and fight until you have nothing left. I know I’m 17 and my unsolicited life advice maybe isn’t revolutionary but I know how quickly that certainty and clarity can be stripped from you.
Real quick before I go, some practical tips to finding your thing and never letting go:
~Do it daily: any sort of association or relationship will crumble if ill-maintained. I feel like St. Jerome said it best when he said: “ignorance of the word is ignorance of Christ.” I remember whenever my grandmother and I went for walks and there was a lull in the conversation she would just start singing praise songs as if she was breathing. She could transition in and out of conversation with ease and it is one of the most beautiful things about her. Faith is second nature to her and that’s why she radiates it in everything she does.
~Don’t get comfortable: I’m of the belief if you’re spending enough time stagnant, you’re in fact taking steps backwards so challenge your understanding of your purpose, your goals, and keep improving.
~Document: Life has a funny way of convincing you the moment you are in is the only moment you have or ever will be in; having the wisdom to remember that your lifestyle was at one time beneficial isn’t always easy. Being faithful takes a lot of effort so in those hard times you’re going to want to be able to look back at the times when it was good to remind why in the world you would choose to live counter-culture.
~Share: When you love something, like truly love something, it’s selfish to keep it from the people you care about (especially if it’s the difference between eternal damnation and euphoria). By sharing, you may find some people who can inspire you and keep you accountable when it gets tough. My granny has never been shy to share her love for Christ and the abundant joy He has brought to her life. She is a living testimony of his grace – she’s grown up in Nigerian at its worst and continues to thrive there today. I can only hope one day to be as strong as she is.
Thank you for your time. <33
I have a blog now: Authentici-tea.
