Below is a piece I would consider to accurately represent my experience of my first three years of high school. I feel like it depicts my comfort in the safety of watching very well, as well as my fear of being exposed to others without knowing who I am or what I am doing. Likewise, this made me a rather cautious individual, and I would say that I was very hard to fully open up. This year I have made a much greater conscious effort towards explaining the importance of the role I found for myself. As a watcher, I am able to gain a second-hand experience in anything. And, I have found that a lot of this is due to a certain man in my life, who has shown me a life I never saw myself living.
There is a man in my life. He showed me what it meant to regret. He had been ridiculed. Mocked. Discarded. Even he only found his purposes in shining the light for others. And as hard as it is to say, I find that the only reason I now strive to fulfill my own needs is due to his influence. It cannot be any more clear to me that I must take up his mantle, and bring only as much glory to it as he could have ever predicted. I never did understand him though. He spoke so poetically yet, at the same time, he created such structure with his words. I’ll never forget that man. I watched him everyday and decided that, if anything, that is how I want to spend the rest of my life. He never really knew me though. I always just watched. That is my role. To watch. And in watching, I learn. I see the outcome of my decisions prior to making them. Here, I am safest. No harm can come to me if I watch. Watching is harmless. I am simply taking a longer glance at the ballroom before deciding to dance. Taking my audience into account. Seeing who is doing what and how they are managing to do so. Watching.
Growing up was a real pain. Although I can still be considered growing, I figure that it’s about time I can say that. You never really know what you’re ever doing. Or why for that matter. You’re just doing it to fulfill a smaller, less significant purpose. One which is temporary, perhaps only granting the satisfaction for a few hours before craving for more. If you don’t know what you’re doing, how will you know when you are finished? Will the task ever be complete? Of course not. One task always leads towards the other. But how are others already finished then? Could it be that they have found a magic powerful enough to lift their curse? Of course not. I had to have found it by now. Regardless, I am still working. Laboring day and night. Looking for an answer. After far too many failed attempts, I turn around to see my fellow “companions” have already gone ahead. Left me here. No one left to watch. I was exhausted, and my lack of motivation gave no advantage to my own self esteem. Weeks went by and, I still lacked enough motivation to complete my mission. The mission granted to me from my birth. The one I never got. Miraculously, I managed to barely find my answer. And when I thought I was done, on came the second question. That’s when he showed up.
He in the only one I can remember who ever came back. Although I was caught up to my peers now, I was still focused on this one man. By right, given his amount of experience, he should’ve been far ahead by now. But he wasn’t. He was right there, in front of me, working with me. And without even knowing, he became my mentor. Somehow, he knew I feared what was to come, for I didn’t know what there was. He showed me what the future could hold. What it could look like. He was the one that showed me that I could create my own fate. My own destiny. And I believed that. Under him, I could learn so much. Where could he have gotten such knowledge from? I wished to question him on the matter, but could not push myself past the first step. I had nothing to give in return. What would he benefit from me? Was I worthy? How would he react? Instead, I continued to follow the crowd. I worked – looking for the answer once again to a question I didn’t know. One by one, my “companions” began to advance. Soon, it was only him and me. I feared that he would leave as fast as possible if I questioned him, hence I decided to continue to work in silence, and watch him. That same day, he left. But before doing so, he turned to look at me. And smiled.
Confused and frustrated, I didn’t know what to do next. I figured that I might meet him again eventually, if I worked hard enough. But the moment he saw me, I felt something change. The moment I saw his smile, I knew something was off. Intrigued, and ambitious, I worked as hard as possible, and soon met him. When I went, I saw him. Countless emotions filled me as I gathered up the courage to seek him. I wanted to thank him. I realized that not everybody is meant to dance. When I finally came closer, I saw him alone on stage, in front of everybody. And he was dancing. And I was watching.