Her soul is bound by the threads of time.
It weaves into her body, piercing yet sudden
And even in its fleeting moment of pain
Leaves a lifetime of scars
Every stroke of midnight it took and
It took what she didn’t know she had
But it’s gone, and she can feel it
She can see through the hole in her heart
But not know exactly what she is looking for.
Time is the bandit that stole both
her heart and her soul
hiding me away from who I was, who she is.
I cannot find who I was as time rid me of it
Before I could even recognize it was there,
As palpable as the heartbreak, secrets and pain
Time has extinguished me with.
Who I was has been replaced with scars.ㅤ
They say they are proof you have lived
But all I see is a wound that has not fully healed.
With this blemish hiding the pain that once pulsed
I have built my walls,
Which even I cannot tear down.
Originally, I had a very difficult time writing this poem as I didn’t know exactly what it would be about. There were multiple ways in which it could have went but I couldn’t put them into words, so each idea would slowly be scrapped to the back of my mind. The writers block was so severe that I didn’t write something I was satisfied with until the day before my presentation, 11PM on a Monday. I sat down on my bed, laptop in hand, after screaming with Liza over text who simply told me, “Write whatever you want,” a straightforward sentence. It’s as simple as it sounds – write whatever you want… Suddenly I realized what it was I wanted to write after endless searching and always reaching the surface of nothing.
I had always thought hard about what would both connect with my presentation and share who I was for the class, but at this point I was running out of time. Then I came to think… What is it that people fear most in the world? Is it loss of love? Is it the unknown, rejection or even death? To me, all these come with the inevitable passing of time. You cannot escape it. Nothing lasts forever, even if in the moment it feels like it could last a lifetime.
Her soul is bound by the threads of time.
My childhood was always constant. Every year we would visit the cabin with my two cousins who are more akin to brothers, and every year it would be more exciting than the last. My family (parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmas and I) would get to see my brother perform. Together, my cousins and I would all be struggling with school and life in Calgary.
Having never experienced any drastic changes, it didn’t occur to me that things wouldn’t always be the same. Oblivious to the changing world around me, I became so accustomed to how life was at the time that the shock of everything becoming different hits me every day. Being the youngest cousin of 18 means everyone is either in university, dating, or with a family of their own. Now, I’m going to the cabin with the adults who take pity on me because I have to try to have fun by myself. I perform plays and musicals that I know only my parents and my grandma will be available to see. Now?
I find myself here as a lowly high school student, and the only one left to walk down my path in life. Faced with the changing family that only grows with my second-cousins, I have found myself alone.
Every stroke of midnight, time took what she hadn’t even realized she had and now it’s gone.
From all the heartache, well hidden secrets and pain both physical and emotional, I have been changed. It was a heavy source of inspiration for the poem, one that I am always hesitant to talk about but know it is a big factor that makes me who I am now.
Due to an incredibly toxic friendship that I didn’t have the courage to end officially, I seem to have built walls that shelter me from letting it happen again. Tired of the fear, heartbreak and secrets, I decided to do what was best in situations like this. Now, I am much less merciful when I am not treated how I should be and don’t let people like that stay in my life. I was always afraid of them, afraid of what they could do to me if I told them we shouldn’t be friends anymore. This inhibited me from letting myself be happy, instead living in fear merely because of someone who I knew would pit me as the enemy.
I cannot find who I was as time rid me of it before I could even recognize it was there, as palpable as the heartbreak, secrets and pain time has extinguished me with.
This is why time is my biggest fear, and why I wanted to write about it in my poem. Time has brought me all these horrible memories and yet blinds me from seeing what is written in the stars about my future. Afraid of the uncertainties time brings, I worry that I am going to lose what I have. I was never prepared when it happened in the first place, and I’m not ready to say goodbye again.
No matter how thankful I am for the life I have been given, I so desperately wish I could control time. It travels too fast, whipping me back into my past and inhibiting me from letting go. One day I hope I can accept what life will bring me, like I have with the scars I am ridden with.
All these unfortunate events (although inevitable aspects of life) have changed the person I am. The scars which have changed me are all written in my soul, and I don’t think they’ll ever disappear. Perhaps no longer being who I was before is a blessing, as it has taught me to love myself despite it all.
With this blemish hiding the pain that once pulsed I have built my walls, which even I cannot tear down.