Unconcealed – January Free Choice



I’m going to be a bit selfish with this blog post – I don’t do this often so I believe that I get a free pass this one time.


I’m going to briefly explain why 2019 has been the best year of my entire life, but in the worst way possible.


I was always told to conceal my emotions for you never know who will be listening and what they will do with that information. This constant fear of: don’t allow anyone to know what’s going on in my life throughout my entire life is honestly very tiring. I am never able to freely express anything because I always get this voice in my head that is essentially yelling, “abort mission” into a horn speaker. In 2019, although I am still very closed off, I believe that I have improved vastly. I’m writing this for goodness sake … what I’m doing right now is terrifying and I cannot believe I’m typing all of this.


I am actually thankful for my friends that I’ve met in grade nine for breaking my shell a bit, and although it doesn’t seem like much, my telltale sign that I was doing better was when I stopped tensing every muscle in my body when someone hugged me. That is an improvement that I am grateful for to this day, and I’m grateful for those friends because they never gave up on me. I, unfortunately, don’t tell them my gratitude often. Honestly, I sometimes feel like I’m a sociopath because emotions are so difficult for me to understand at times. I don’t know how to properly express my feelings, but they understand that, and I thank them for that.


Now, this might get a little heavy for a minute, but in 2019 I learned that I am a lot sadder than I have imagined. I started noticing this feeling a lot more frequently at the end of grade ten when it felt like everything that I was doing was wrong. I constantly felt defeated because although everything was genuinely so amazing, it all felt like a lie. Which doesn’t make sense, I know. But it felt like every happy emotion that I was feeling, was truly the antonym of it. It was kind of fascinating in a messed up way. But these feelings did help me think of questionable stories for my blog, so thanks for that, I guess.


After the lowest of lows at the end of grade ten, I was met with the highest of highs when I went to Ukraine that summer. It’s honestly bizarre how much family is important … and I never really realized that before. I have a very small family here in Canada with me, I never understood the hype of big families although mine is huge. When I went to Ukraine, and I felt the care that my family had for me – whether it was exaggerated or not – I finally felt like I was important since a very long time. I don’t mean to sound over-dramatic, but that’s genuinely how it felt. I was always jealous of my friends growing up that would tell me that they’re going to go hang out with their cousins on the weekend, I would just think to myself: yeah, I’m going to go fly across the ocean real quick, and do the same. In Ukraine, I was able to fulfill that dream, and it felt liberating. It felt like I was throwing up my middle finger to little Samantha from the third grade that was telling me how she’s going to her grandma’s house the next day. Screw you, Samantha.

I was so happy there that I had Ukraine-withdrawal for like a week after I got back. It felt like I went from reading fiction to non-fiction, which could be nice, but it really wasn’t.


Now beloved school. I actually don’t really remember how I felt about going back to school, but it honestly kind of felt like I never left. But the transition from summer to school was so smooth that I forgot that summer even happened. 

But it was hard, grade 11 is hard. It took me a while to get on track and to realize how it all works. I was so confused because I was doing the same thing I was doing every other year, but I wasn’t getting the outcomes that I wanted. They weren’t awful, but I was disappointed. Everyone I cared about was disappointed. And even though as time went on and the outcomes were getting better, they were still disappointed. It’s hard to explain stuff I’m not allowed to.


But to condense this little TedTalk, I’m going to skip to the end of October. I own this journal that some might have seen before. But I would pull it out and write whatever I’m feeling at that moment, or doodle in it, or throw it. 

It’s essentially a diary but I feel more mature saying journal, so I’m going to keep calling it that. 

I never allowed a single person to open it and read it. That was mine, mine to keep secret. I’ve never looked back at anything I wrote in it because everything in there is just throw up. Pure throw up from my mind that I had to let out. Unfortunately, that privacy was violated recently, so I won’t be writing in it any longer, but that journal was like a free therapist. Genuinely would recommend it. 

Now, where I’m going with this is: I was not the happiest one day. I had no one to talk to – I did, but I’m not that type of person to tell my bad to a person with good. I don’t want my sadness to clash with the other person’s happiness. 

So I started writing in my journal, it was a song. I didn’t finish it, I didn’t make it cohesive, I just made it. Fast-forwarding a bit, I was told to write a spoken word. I knew what I wanted to write, but I was scared. It was threatening in a way. But for the first time, I looked back in that journal and found that song. I wrote it down and I added and erased and changed and thesaurirized. I ended up with the spoken word: I am okay. It’s so funny how this spoken word is a symbol for both my happiness and sadness yet no one really fully understood that. But I wanted it that way. I made a universal spoken word that pertained to a specific moment in my life. I am proud of myself for that. 

I found this newfound confidence that I’ve never had before. I remembered the passion that I had for both writing and performing. That was an interesting time in 2019 that taught me the most.


After the highs of the spoken word, I went back to my lows, and so far it’s been this scale that sometimes goes up, and sometimes goes down. It varies every single day. But I’m okay, and I want everyone to know that. This was just a convoluted year that I have never seemed to solve. But at the end of the day, that is the source of wisdom, the source of memories, and stories. I am fine, because words are physical, and I would like for that to be true. And it will be.


So, to wrap this therapy session up, all I would like to say is:


fuck you 2019,


thank you.







feature image: https://imgur.com/XXvcKTw
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4 thoughts on “Unconcealed – January Free Choice

  1. Dear Christina,

    You’re right in saying that you aren’t normally selfish with your blog posts – but I think you definitely should be. Not only is this your “free pass,” it’s also an incredible look into some of you as a person – which is always wonderful to see because you are truly a wonderful person. Your writing is free of errors, deeply connective to you, and has a powerful narrative voice that spirals into your personality. The genuinity is so spot on that I could hear your voice reading this in my head – which just testifies to how incredibly this was written. Your journey here is captivating: from talking about your understanding of the importance of family to your stress this year with everything that’s been going on.
    I want to take a special moment to note your connection with your journal. I find it hearbreaking that the sanctity of your journal was broken, especially seeing as my journal was recently destroyed (still not over that) so I can definitely connect with that. Your journal is like looking at a mirror of yourself progressing through a short or long period of time, and you get to see all the highs and lows that you mentioned in your piece.
    You also mentioned your passion for writing and performing: which I can completely see. Your spoken word poem was honestly so true and excellently written that I feel as though that piece in particular is at such a level of polish in terms of writing and performance that it just speaks to how multi-faceted, talented, and hardworking you are. You never cease to surprise me by your words when your friends force you to share in class, as I am always astounded as to how you manage to pack so much insight, beauty, and wit into your writing and life.
    I know I’m kind of detaching from the piece a little bit, but there’s honestly no way for me to critique the actual writing – and you know I mean that genuinely. I will, however, leave my feedback in another way. I’m going to be selfish for a bit, so bear with me:
    Last year I found myself scared of opening up. I was fearful to really show my emotions because I had essentially been shut down every other time I had tried, leading me to feel discontented. So, this year, I made myself a promise that I would get my emotions out there. You might wonder why the hell I’m so open about everything in my life – it’s because it keeps me accountable when other people know my truth. I don’t suggest this for you since I do understand you are a bit of a closeted person (which is totally fine) but I feel like maybe being a bit more embracing of emotions can help you out – in a way that involves trust and accountability from loved ones. You’ve seen firsthand the impact on my writing and life that being a bit more emotional and open has had on me, and so I think maybe slowly introducing that into your own life can help you out. It could just be very simple and basic things you tell your absolutely closest and most trusting friends; people who you are sure would never judge you, and I’m sure there are many such individuals in your life. Overall, I feel like maybe allowing your shell to break a little is a good idea, and vulnerability is one of the ways that we can grow.
    Truthfully, this writing was a masterpiece and a great way for us to see a bit of your struggles and successes in life. This is more polished than I have ever seen, and this rings very true with emotion and passion; and you use this to fuel your amazing narrative voice.
    I have been totally blessed to have gotten the opportunity to get to know you this year; only now am I realizing that you and I were in all the same classes this semester (sorry about that). It’s been amazing to read your writing and watch your spoken words and just get to converse with someone who is an all round excellent human being. You give me hope in so many ways: there are still non-judgemental, friendly, respectful, hilarious, and artistic people in this world.



    P.S: Don’t get used to me addressing you by your actual first name.

    1. Zaid,
      Woah. It’s honestly so fascinating how you are able to always say the right thing at the right time. I thank you for your compliments and I thank you for being there for me all of this semester (even though you didn’t have a choice). You have always been so supportive of me and I am genuinely thankful for you. I am grateful to be able to call you a friend. It’s going to be weird not seeing you so much everyday.
      Thank you.

  2. Dear Christina,
    I loved getting to hear your perspective on this year in such a unique way. It truly felt like you were sitting in front of me ranting straight to my face. During your entire piece, I was left nodding my head along to what you were saying because I completely understand what you are talking about. While it may not seem like it now I used to be super introverted and uncomfortable with my feelings. It definitely took a very uncomfortable year to get over it. So I want you to know that it gets easier. I am super proud looking back on this year and how much you’ve grown. You have really changed and grown beyond yourself. I am especially proud that you are now able to make this post and that you were able to make your spoken word. I know it takes a lot of courage to tell people how you feel. Especially in something as intimate as writing. Hardship makes you stronger it’s true. Sometimes you have to embrace the discomfort and you really did this year. I’m so proud. I love you and I love this piece.
    Love ya!

    1. Abby,
      Thank you so much for commenting on my piece, especially this piece because it genuinely took a lot of courage. Thank you for always being so supportive of me throughout our years of friendship – I am beyond grateful for that.

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