Dear Someone,
You are not used to girls who caution
your touch,
your heart,
your eyes.
Because girls fall in love with you all of the time, thoughtlessly.
But I am not – I cannot,
because I am a child of divorce.
Matrimony is not unbreakable
In fact, like
bones,
and roses,
and poetry
it is fragile.
It crumbles from
the yelling
the fighting.
It shatters from the
broken promises.
It breaks
the bond,
the love,
the lovers.
I am sorry I am not the type of girl who yearns to marry you.
I do not see a lifetime
when I hear
“i do”
I see all of the pain to
Inevitably be out through.
I am afraid,
terrified,
that you loving me
means, taking all of the pieces that make me,
me.
I’ve seen it.
You will slowly take
myself away from me.
And we will call this compromise.
A sacrifice here and there,
until one day we will have forgotten
about our own dreams
and hopes
and wants.
And we will call this love.
But I will have forgotten to be loved
and how to love you.
I am sorry I am not the type of girl who yearns to marry you.
I do not see a lifetime
when I hear
“i do”
And I know myself
and so do you.
I am stubborn and
competitive
And I will likely take
more than I can give.
If we were someday
to have a child
I know not what it means
to be
selfless,
forgiving,
or motherly,
because my own
was not her own.
She lost herself
in the fantasy
of what it means
not what it needs.
Married. Mothered. Monstrous.
You deserve me
the way you love me
not the way you might
make me.
I am sorry I am not the type of girl who yearns to marry you.
I do not see a lifetime
when I hear
“I do”
But I do see one with only you.
I see it when
I open my eyes into yours
and my bed is warm
and my hair
my sheets
my clothes
they all smell like you.
I see it when
that song
crackles through your broken stereo
and my hands reach out
to find that yours
is already there.
I see it in
my selfishness.
The way I fight it.
The way I begin to love you more than me.
The way your needs become my needs
and your hopes become my dreams.
I see it.
Happening
I see us.
Falling.
I once thought I was not the type of girl who yearned to marry you.
I once thought that love
could only fail
and should it not
it was not real.
I now think
someday I will say “I do”
I am still afraid,
but not of you.
You are not the type to
scream,
and yell.
Break your promises
or break me.
So will love you,
selflessly.
I am the type of girl
to love you.
however,
I am not the type of woman
to lose myself.
Love Always,
A Child of Divorce