Just recently got accepted to volunteer at the Distress Centre Calgary. I had to go through training about what to do while on the lines. Anyways while I was in training I thought of writing a story about a guy who is dealing with schizophrenia, and him calling in to talk about his problems.
Just so you guys know, most people with schizophrenia are non-violent, they are actually the more likely to be the victim.
She will kill you…. Kill her before she kills you…
Kill her… You don’t need her…
She is just a spy…. She will lock you up in a white room…
Look at her… she is right beside you… asleep… just grab her throat and finish her.
I grabbed my head and yelled.
NO, I WILL NOT KILL MY WIFE.
I have schizophrenia.
- a long-term mental disorder of a type involving a breakdown in the relation between thought, emotion, and behaviour, leading to faulty perception, inappropriate actions and feelings, withdrawal from reality and personal relationships into fantasy and delusion, and a sense of mental fragmentation.
- (in general use) a mentality or approach characterized by inconsistent or contradictory elements.
I was 9 years old when I was diagnosed, after that whenever anyone would find out I had schizophrenia they would leave me. When I was in high school I made a friend, a friend who is now my wife. My wife is the only that stayed and I love her for that. She had known the entire time, and stayed with me, knowing that I need someone to lean on.
The voices however were always with me, never have they left me. They were the voice of reason in my world of chaos. However, as time went on they started to change, evolve into the monsters in my mind. The three that resided in me were John, Michael, and Julia. John and Micheal are always talking, telling me to do irrational things like kill my wife, or run away from home at the age of 10. But the third voice, Julia is the only one who almost never comes. She is the one that we all must look out for, she is manipulative and will make you want to do the most horrifying things.
But the voices, the voices have been with me through the thick and the thin. They might be the one’s that made me less human but without the voices I am not “me”. They are the one’s that told me that the medication that the doctor was giving me was killing me, and it actually felt like it did. I lost a significant amount of weight, I would not have control over my body, and I also had depression. So I stopped taking it. Then the voices came back, always talking to me, when I were to talk to someone they would be shouting at me. When I got married I was still on medication however halfway through the honeymoon I stopped taking it. When the honeymoon came to a close, the voices came to the conclusion that my wife will kill me. It has been only 8 months since my wedding day, and I don’t want to harm or leave the one person who was there for me. The one person that accepted me for who I am.
Enough is enough and I know I need help. That is when I knew I needed to call, if medication could not help me then maybe someone their can.
Hello Distress Centre, how can I help you.
H-hello, can I t-talkk.
Of course, what made you call today.
W-ell, I-I have Schizophrenia.
Sorry I could not hear that, could you repeat what you said pleases.
I have Schizophrenia.
That must be hard, are you taking medication?
Well, no I am not, the medication make me sad. W-Whenever I took my medication I didn’t have any control over my body, I started shaking, and I-I couldn’t stop.
That must be scary, how long have you stopped taking your medication?
For 5 months now.
Medication can have negative side effects, but I was wondering how you are feeling now, do you feel better than before?
Tsk, Tsk, Tsk… We expected more from you, you do not need anyone to help you, you stup*d man. You have us, we have always been with you. YOU IDIOT, DO YOU WANT TO GET RID OF US. WE HAVE BEEN WITH YOU, HELPED YOU NOT GET KILLED TILL NOW. DO YOU THINK THIS GIRL WILL UNDERSTAND YOU.
Th-They have come. The-the voices are here.
What are they saying?
They are t-telling me to st-stop talking to you.
YOU ARE SO STUP*D, SHE IS GOING TO LOCK YOU UP. LOCK YOU IN THE WHITE ROOM, AND YOU WILL DIE… alone.
Do you want to stop talking to me.
N-No, NO, I want to talk to you. Talking to you will make them seen less real.
Okay, let’s talk then. You were talking about not taking your medication, did you talk to your doctor? Tell him you are having bad side effects?
No, I never told my doctor. I haven’t even told my wife. I still buy the medication so my wife will be happy, she doesn’t know that I throw them out when it is time for me to eat them.
So, your wife does not know, does anyone else know that you don’t take your medication.
Only the voices know that I don’t take my medication, and now you.
And why did you do that, why did you not tell anyone except us. Because you knew, knew that if anyone found out they would force you to take the poison.
Have you ever thought of telling anyone?
No, if anyone figured out, they would force me to take it. I can’t have the medication, it will kill me.
You must be scared, and it is normal for people to be scared when you don’t know what will happen if they don’t do something. Well I just did a quick google search and saw there are different medications for schizophrenia, maybe you can ask your doctor if you want to change your medication without telling him that you are not taking it. Maybe tell him you are getting bad side effects, I am sure he will understand.
Yeah, maybe that would a good idea.
Do you want to talk about what the voices been saying lately?
Well, Michael and John are always telling me to kill my wife, they are always saying that she is going to kill me also that she is a spy for the government. My wife, Oceana works as a nurse in a hospital. She never hurts anyone so why would she hurt me, right. But they don’t get that. The voices think Oceana is the one that will put me in the white room. They have said this so many times that I now think it’s true. Like they won’t repeat something false. Even though I love my wife, I can’t be locked up, or killed. They are saying that when I sleep she will suffocate me.
That must feel awful, however what do you think, do think Michael and John are telling the truth?
I don’t know anymore. I am too scared to sleep, I can’t talk on the phone with anyone because the government might be watching. I just don’t know anymore.
That must be frustrating, how are coping with all this going on?
Well, I just like to keep myself busy, you know like cook, bake, read, just things that keep me occupied so I don’t have to deal with the voices.
I see, well is their anything else you want to talk about?
No, I actually think that maybe it would be a good idea if I go to the doctor and get different medication. You have helped me a lot. Thank you.
No problem, if you ever want to talk to someone then just ring us a call we are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and 365 days a year. Have a great evening.
You too, Bye.
Let’s go to the Doctors Office.