The eye of my mind


Prompt: The ways in which individuals deal with the prospect of an uncertain future.


Text: Habitar La Oscuridad


Theme statement: When individuals are faced with the prospect of an uncertain future, they try to find a sense of security in the control they think they have. Thus, they begin to gravitate towards certainty. However, it is only through surviving the tribulation of uncertainty can one grow and develop as a person.


I sit there in the hospital bed, the same bed that’s been with me throughout my childhood, with my mother in her all too familiar position right next to me as I continue to lie here with my legs beginning to fall asleep. I see the same darkness that I always see and I tried looking at it, trying to see deeper than normal, all thoughts began to evaporate as I continued to look at the darkness.


When I first loss my sight I was fourteen, I looked at the same darkness I’m seeing in daze, wondering what I was seeing. I was sitting in my chair, in my room in a sense of realization and thought “It’s finally happened, hasn’t it?” The next couple hours seemed like a blur as I was taken to the hospital by my parents.


I always new I was going to lose my sight for a while now. I was diagnosed with an eye disease when I was ten and my vision was slowly going worse. It wasn’t until I was twelve when the situation finally showed its horrid head towards me. At first I tried to really look at things when I came to the realization. I looked at the pigments of paint, the small cell like structure on my hands, and the faces of everyone I met. I was terrified, I began to think “What will I do after?”, “What did I ever do to deserve this?”, “What was the point of having my sight if was only going to be taken away from me?”. These thoughts kept me up at night.


I was so stressed that some of my hair turned grey and my parents seeing this one day said to me “Hey Jason, do you want to go out today?”. They tried consoling me in their own way, by having fun with me. Honestly, it was the best moment of my life, I had something I could hold onto as my vision continually blackened the world. This continued throughout the years as I grew up, and when I started high school instead of feeling stressed I instead thought “I’ve felt worse.” I made friends, passed tests, skipped a grade, and I had fun.


Even then I could never forget, because how could I? My vision continued to get worse, I kept needing to get new glasses, I kept getting grey hairs, and I kept losing sleep as time went on it only got worse. I felt dread when I told my friends and loved one what was happening and it felt even more so when they looked at me with pity and sadness. I couldn’t understand, I have so many people around me who care about me, but as I look towards the future I couldn’t feel more alone.


Then when it finally happened, the event that had been torturing me for years, the future that had been killing me happened. On the first night I lost my sight, I slept without a care in the world. I still felt like that over the years, asleep.


 I felt a breeze touch my skin, breaking me out of my reminiscence and thought that my mother opened the window. As I lay there feeling the wind caress over my skin I felt the warm, soft hand hold mine in a familiar position and she squeezed my hand, telling me that she was here.


She abruptly asks “Are you going to do it?” 


Here I am 3 years later, already in college in an advanced engineering course and deciding on a surgery that could give me my sight back. I’ve been sleeping better, though there have been times I couldn’t tell the difference since all I ever see is black and as I’ve been told my grey hairs are gone. I nod my head to confirm her suspicions and I feel her hand loosen around mine. 


My parents have been here for me ever since I lost my sight, they were the wall I had to hold onto as I continued forward in life. When the initial shock of losing my sight finally wore off I saw my friends continue on with their lives. As bad as my situation was the world wasn’t waiting for me. I have to keep moving forward or else my parents would have been left behind with me and they don’t deserve that. After a while I was the same person as always was and life continued on. I was dazed at times when I look towards the darkness expecting something and was greeted with nothing each time.


Then when a new treatment popped up seamlessly out of nowhere the possibility of my eye sight coming back appeared. I was overjoyed over the fact that I could get my sight back, but as the surgery loomed ever closer I felt dread, the same dread when I didn’t know when I would lose my sight.


I still feel right now as the doctors wheeled me out of the room and my parents trailing behind talking to me in order to ease my nerves, still being the wall for me to hold onto even now. I feel myself falling asleep thinking they applied the aesthetic and my consciousness slowly fades into the darkness that has accompanied me for the past three years of my life. 


After a few hours I’m in my hospital room alone as requested when I’m about to take off my bandages. I didn’t want anyone to see me if the procedure didn’t work because I don’t know what I’ll do if it doesn’t. I took off the bandages and opened my eyes and what greeted me was a window overlooking a garden. I marveled and laughed at the simplicity and beauty of the scene.


I thought to myself “I guess this view evens things out.”

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