My world is, or was, in its glamorous ways, perfect; magic within desire, desire within magic.
Neither life nor death could rob me of this magic, of this pompous veil of secrecy-I did not know-I was shrouded from my beginnings; hidden away from the world, of the light that corrupts and depletes identities of the mind. I was hidden away from the light. I grew up in the dark, slowly building my perception of the world. This world, full of ambiguity struck me as fascinatingly beautiful, in which I form a truth of my own; hope, love, and optimistic beliefs that all of the world were full of this grayness that surrounded me so entrancingly.
And how I was wrong.
Wisdom grows within the years. Strength nurtures after the countless journeys of blindness within ambiguity. And a simple switch lies before me, the very switch I had swore never to touch as I had been told that it shall unleash the hungry floods of demons into this world.
But how is one to fight against its own burning desire to validate one’s truths? Its curiosity sensibly draws me near and inevitably, I flip that switch.
The bland light consumes and devours me in its eminence. I suddenly come to realize the vile world of primitive colours of red, blue, and yellow; they destroy my greyness, painting in layers until no appearance of what used to be, disappeared. They destroy my ambiguity, my truth, leaving me as a carcass, only with desire-desire left to prove that love was never false.
And so I wander in the dimly lit hall of candles, seeking for a way to fulfill my desire in this world that burns me with its absolute hatred. Each stranger I meet, I seek for their compensation, their pity, and their kindness; the ones that do not know of my past and my sin: The desire to speak the truth that ought to be my truth…
But weren’t the ambiguities true after all? Who rightly decided that to be grey is a sin?
What is the fault to speak, to believe in what ought to be the truth in such world of desires and hostilities?
Whence was it agreed that the lights must be followed? Why cannot the ambiguities of my mind be not the truth of your world?
So I set off, away from the daylight and into the night; it was a calling, I recall, that my soul had responded to.
As I wretch in this darkness of my own ambiguity, consumed by its desires, I vow:
I will not cease to believe.
I will fight and shed blood and tears to prove to you all,
I will gladly die if it means to preserve this magic in what you call delusion.
My truth shan’t be silenced with your primitive colours, and I shall die defending it.
And open your eyes after you annihilate me; You shall find yourself entrapped in the magic blossoming from deep within your heart.
And perhaps you will understand my war against that desire…
Let ambiguity surround you.
It was after I had watched The Streetcar Named Desire for the third time when I encountered a call from within to write this. The very first time I watched this show, I was terribly horrified by Blanche’s fate, but also mesmerized. I somehow managed to find an equilibrium of love and hate for a character, and so I watched the show a second time to grasp the life of Blanche. And again I found myself entranced by her, leading me to watch it for the third time. By then, I could hear Blanche screaming in my ear, “I tell what ought to be the truth , and if that makes me sinful, let me be damned!”
The more I watched the show, the more I emphasize with this statement, the desire to live within what ought to be the truth, no matter what the consequence may be. I believe that we are all in a way living in a delusion; some entrapped in the delusion of society, and others, like Blanche, in their own desires. Truth, is a misconception to many, as what one perceives as true, may be the fallacy of another; therefore, truth can be stated as a perspective one upholds that defines their life. Truth is not identical, nor universal-it is greatly versatile and malleable with a simple change in the individual that ponders upon its concept. Then who has the right to disrespect and dismantle another’s truth and label them as delusional? A truth accepted by a majority is simply put a common perspective on a certain concept, which could then also be delusional, as Stanley would have said.
What I admired in Blanche’s character was not the tragedies that struck her, but her willingness to uphold her ambiguity, which in fact is her truth. She welcomes any punishment and cruelty that may consume her if she were to live under her own light, in the grayness. This spirit of perseverance is undoubtedly powerful; Blanche goes so far as to completely lose her mind to protect her truth. Her obsession with desire for love, causing her to forsake the societal norms to seek consolation from others, created a delusion which she believes is true; this is indeed the beauty of human stubbornness. How often do we give up what we thought to be true and give in to what is presented to us by others? How often do we let society run its course and kill our individuality? How often do we let our perspectives be disrespected in the face of the widely held prejudices that demand we accept the “truth’?
I am a firm believer in the potential of each and every individual and the love that resides within each and every moment in their lives. And I am not naive enough to think that the world I live in shares this ideology. Nonetheless, it is still my truth in every aspect of my life, and I shall embrace this truth no matter what the consequence may be. Even if I lose grasp of my senses, even if others berate me as delusional, even if I shall commit the greatest sins, I will fight and I will persist. I will uphold my truth so high in my own heart for all to see, and none shall ever make even a scratch in my world of gray.
One may perhaps deny and vow to destroy my truth to bring me into the light of society and its norms. But it is when they succeed in doing so, when they see my truth in the open light without ambiguity, they will come to find themselves entrapped in their own truth as they open their minds to what they see within, affected by the monstrosity of human struggle they shall see before their eyes. When will we realize, once and for all, this very fact of life: truth is neither a law or a concept, but a manifestation of one’s convictions of their bare minds.
We choose what we see. We choose what we hear. We choose what we understand.
Therefore the importance lies in not the ability to conceive one’s truth in others, but the ability to grasp the truth of others in ourselves to create a mirage of truth that is furthermore sophisticated and represents the state of our bare individuality. Hopefully, one day you will come to understand my ambiguities, and let your own truth be vulnerable enough to allow the cracks of grayness to find its way into your heart. But until that day, I shall always tell what ought to be the truth, no matter what adversities that may stand in my way.
Let ambiguity surround you.
and magic shall blossom in your heart.
2 thoughts on “Let Ambiguity Surround You (Where does truth reside?)”
This piece was like being a part of your soul, rocking back and forth within your ambiguity, and ultimately forced to reconsider my definition of truth. I have had a rocky past with my truth. It was shaped and reshaped by the circumstances that dictated the direction my future was to go, but I think I am a bit stable for now. I just wrote a piece similar to this on my blog, and it was nice to see a different perspective on the matter.
Your writing is skillfully woven into threads of your feelings. This is the first piece of yours that I have read, and I am so impressed by your ability to be so analytical with Streetcar with your own life.
My favorite part was, ¨I believe that we are all in a way living in a delusion; some entrapped in the delusion of society, and others, like Blanch, in their desires. Truth, is a misconception to many, as what one perceives as true, may be the fallacy of another; therefore, the truth can be stated as a perspective one upholds that defines their life.¨ I would like to add my thoughts on it. I believe that the reason that we live in a delusion is that we – as a species – lose closeness to the truth quickly. It is much easier to fall into an ideal illusion: one that makes us feel that our existence is worth it. Delusions are not necessarily a bad thing. They are like fingerprints on glasses, clouding truth, but still helping us see clearly. Feeding delusions are how we cope with reality.
I love the way that your mind works after reading this. Thank you for unlocking my mind to consider new possibilities!
Thank you so much for your comment! I appreciate the time you took to read my piece.
I must say that I agree with your sentiment as I have also had a lot of misconceptions and troubles regarding my truth and finding what is true to my heart.
This blog was also inspired by the BLM movement and all other societal justice movements that are occurring around the world. So many had believed that racism was justifiable before and so many still do. If this was considered the “truth” of society, then I figured that the truth is not a fact but a perspective of life, which is vulnerable to change and delusions.
I love your analogy of fingerprints on glasses regarding delusions to create an ideal illusion. I think it perfectly describes my post and my perspective in a beautiful way.
My belief is that true magic and change occurs when truths are held firmly in opposition to each other to create a greater shade of grey. Then society may come to find another alternative to their preconceived truth to come to another state of ambiguity, closer to the ideal truth of this world.
Thank you for reading my post and taking your time to comment on it. I cannot wait to read your blog and i look forward to learning from you next year!!