This I Believe – Imperceptible

 

As a child, I was always naturally curious. One of my biggest fascinations was the world beyond us. I found it hard to comprehend how small we were in the big picture. The universe is bigger than we can ever imagine, growing faster than the speed of light. However, the thought of how small we are hit hard. We can all just disappear and the rest of the universe would be unaffected. At some point in time, all of our hard work will be turned to dust. Nothing will matter in the end. So why, why, do we work so hard if no one will be there to remember us? What is the purpose if we’re all going to die, our memories included?

I remember, I remember the time when getting out of bed was the biggest struggle of my day. I remember how the same thoughts circled my mind endlessly. The only thing I found solace and comfort in was my bed. My only friend was my bed. Life felt like an endless routine. Wake up. Get out of bed. Go to school. Come home. Do homework. Go to sleep. Repeat. Repeat for the next 5, 4, 3 more years of your life. I felt like a robot. A drone. A ghost. Life to me was just a mere shell of my past where nothing mattered anymore. I was always tired, so then I soon became tired of being tired and as a result, I tried my best to find something that would fill this growing void. 

People. I filled the void with friendships. It worked for a little bit. A couple of months, give or take. But what happened when these friendships, these friendships that I practically devoted my life to, started to decay? Daily facetimes and texts turned to quick, weekly check-ins. Talking all night and making plans for the future turned to nods in the halls and faint smiles.  Being alone was, at the time, the worst thing in the world.  I could not even imagine living without these people. I did not want to return to that ceaseless cycle. I worked so hard on being someone everyone loved, being the most positive, the most helpful, that I lost who I truly was. I was no longer a ghost. In fact, I was no longer myself. Whatever that meant. 

Things started to worsen once I entered high school. I was barely gifted with the opportunity to be in the same classes with my close friends which meant we slowly grew apart.  We still remained friends, but our schedules didn’t necessarily match up. My “distractions” were no longer as present, which now meant that I had more time by myself. More time to think. More time to wonder. 

I did not know what to do with all my extra free time that I gained from distancing myself from my past friends. Usually, I would just mindlessly scroll through Instagram for hours and hours on end. Is this how I want to live my teenage years? Alone, depressed and tired? My biggest fear was not accomplishing anything in life, and yet that is the only thing I was doing. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I tried to find some productive hobbies so I can at least say I did something in my younger years, regardless if they mattered or not.  Consequently, I remembered being a child and always wanting to do ballet, but my parents refused. Now being older, I begged and begged my mom to let me take dance classes, so she finally enrolled me into a beginner class. I finally had something to look forward to. If I had nothing to do I would just practice some steps we learnt in class or watch performances online. These little things gave me a bit more hope and a step in the right direction. 

I no longer hated being alone, in fact, I would say I love getting to spend some time by myself. I know that in the end, it is not going to matter that I love to dance or that sure, sometimes I spend endless hours on Instagram. I know that there is no one purpose in life and I know that, in the end, we are all going to die. The thing that matters to me the most though is that I am happy without external causes. I can cause my own happiness and that, that is what I believe.

 

resources:

https://giphy.com/gifs/universe-scale-amIyc0urUhnzi

Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur

https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwordsfortheyear.com%2F2015%2F07%2F07%2Fyou-are-your-own-soulmate-by-rupi-kaur%2F&psig=AOvVaw0KgFuwNrd84AU81JdHCYSO&ust=1582667487217000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CA0QjhxqFwoTCLDS6fyV6-cCFQAAAAAdAAAAABAN

 

 

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8 thoughts on “This I Believe – Imperceptible

  1. Dear Sarafina,

    That was amazing! This sentence here, “So why, why, do we work so hard if no one will be there to remember us?” I noticed right away. It gives us something to think about while reading your blog. “My biggest fear was not accomplishing anything in life, and yet that is the only thing I was doing.” I just had to put this here to tell you how much i love it. It is one of those sentences that strikes a chord in you and has you thinking long after you’ve read it. And the way you described yourself trying to fill that void and then losing your solace, wow.

    For improvement I would recommend formatting your blog a little bit better, I noticed that your image split one of your sentences. You had I, then an image and after the image was the rest of your sentence. I also noticed that you have a lot of short little sentences that mess with the flow of your writing. I would suggest making them longer or combining some together to get that desired flow.

    Overall, Wow. Just wow. This was such an incredible blog to be able to read. You have such skill and you execute it incredibly well. We create our own purpose and reading about how you found what you wanted to create was heartwarming.

    Sincerely, Michelle

    1. Dear Michelle,

      First of all, thank you so for taking the time to write such a thoughtful comment. Honestly, you boosted my confidence a bit knowing that someone finds my written work interesting and that it provokes profound thoughts. It helps me realize that I do actually make some sense to people and that I fulfilled my goal of making people stop and think for a second. Thank you as well for your constructive criticism I can definitely see myself in the future elongating my sentences or combining them to get that smoother flow.

      Sincerely, Sarafina

  2. Dear Sarafini,

    That was a wonderful read, the use of repetition in your work was a lovely addition. For example when you said “So why, why, do we work so hard if no one will be there to remember us?” or in the sentence “I remember, I remember the time where getting out of bed was the biggest struggle of my day.” As well as when you said, “I was no longer a ghost. In fact, I was no longer myself.” and “…I had more time by myself. More time to think. More time to wonder.” The repetition really emphasized the points you trying to convey and added more power to your writing.

    An area I would suggest improvement in is just punctuation, some sentences were awkward because of misplacement of commas or a lack of them. In the sentence, “However, the thought of how small, we are hit like a tsunami.” I would change it up to say, “However, the thought of how small we are hit like a tsunami.”

    Your writing was a very powerful piece that made me think about one’s mortality and purpose. Thank you for writing such a terrific piece, I look forward to reading your other writings in the future!

    Sincerely, Amanjot

    1. Dear Amanjot,

      Firstly, thank for taking the time to comment on my work. I am happy to learn that my attempt to integrate repetition into my work was successful. I agree that I have to improve on my grammar, it’s not necessarily my strongest skill as well as reading through my work more thoroughly to catch grammar mistakes like mentioned. I will be sure to take your suggestions into account next time. Thanks!

      Sincerely, Sarafina

  3. Dear Saraphina,

    After spending the day with you for FTLOR, I had an itch to know what the writer within you had to say. Because of the limits of the circumstances, I didn’t get to hear many of your words, but I am so, so glad that this blog gave me the opportunity to read some of your work. Your ability to create a feeling of smallness and being devoid of emotion (particularly in that intro – wow) was masterful, and I felt that tone maintained throughout the piece. As a reader, I felt like I intimately knew your struggle, and that made this piece all the more impactful to me. Even your featured image was well-chosen, adding to that feeling of unimportance that you discussed in this piece. I also really appreciate your use of repetition and other rhetorical devices; this is something that I found really difficult to integrate when I was in grade 10, so I applaud you.

    In terms of growth, I would recommend keeping your thesis / central idea of your piece a bit more central, and to try and include a bit more variety. I felt like your had a really strong central idea, but it felt a little divorced from your central belief. If you integrated your belief a bit more into the intro, I believe that would solve this easily! For variety, I love the repetition and the short sentences you employed in this piece, but using them sparingly adds to their weight. If you use to many, you risk losing that impact. While you definitely didn’t overuse them too heavily in this post, I would advise you to watch out for that in the future. 🙂

    On a personal level, I really connected with this post. I feel like a little self-analysis is key to success in life, and I am more that prone to existentialist episodes. Thank you for speaking this truth on this post – it is something that we can all benefit from hearing.

    Love,
    Maria 🙂

    1. Dear Maria,

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read through my blog. I’m overjoyed to learn that I was able to portray my feelings and thoughts accurately which allows others to resonate and understand a glimpse of my struggle. Furthermore, I do see how one would believe, that my central idea and belief are a bit detached and I will try my best, to make them more interconnected. Another thing I will try and improve is adding different sentence structures. Overall, thank you so much and I’ll be sure to implement your suggestions into my writing.

      Sincerely, Sarafina

  4. Dear Sarafina,
    Your piece takes a very realistic, objective view on life. You show how meaningless we are no matter how much we do not want to. You are really open in this piece and show a life and feeling that many of us can probably relate to. I enjoyed reading this especially as you show your growth to the extent you no longer feel constrained and unaccomplished.
    I understand you begin with how small mankind is in the full scheme of things and briefly touch on it again at the end. Something I would appreciate is if you could manage to weave this theme throughout the piece.
    Like the others who have replied on this post, this left me thinking and I am very impressed with this work. I hope you keep growing.
    Sincerely, IB.

    1. Dear IB,

      First and foremost I want to thank you for taking the time out of your day to comment on my work- it means a lot. I’m happy to learn that I was able to write something that many can relate to as well as sharing my journey in accepting our diminutiveness. I do acknowledge that I have to weave my central idea throughout the piece, and I’ll try my best to fix that up in the future. Overall, thank you again for commenting.

      Sincerely, Sarafina

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