disclaimer: one thing that i have feared in my life more than anything is vulnerability. to expose one’s whole heart and soul for the whole world to see fills me with a terror i can not even begin to describe. over the years, i have found the strength to speak or feel openly in front of others, but my true thoughts remain hidden deep inside the abyss of my mind . in the spirit of the end of this semester, i thought i should do something rather unusual, something i have never done before; spill the contents of my heart on to a page where eyes can roam freely. within the contents of my scattered words, there are several different storylines. i ask my beautiful readers to consider each section on their own rather than together <3
the following pieces of writing are fragments of my thoughts, shards of my past; welded together in a collection of broken glass, disjointed and incoherent but still mesmerizing.
when i turned six, i was given the most beautiful birthday gift. it was small box made out of glass. within the box was a dancing figurine of snow white. imagine. a princess trapped in glass; confined for eternity in a state of perfection.
when i turned sixteen, i brought my box and a hammer into the garden. it only took three powerful blows for the delicate glass to shatter; for the dancing princess to spill out on to the grass. free among the lilacs and roses.
sand. a key ingredient in the composition of glass. love. a key ingredient in the composition of me.
my parents believed that through faith and love, i would grow up to be a strong young woman, devoted to God and her family. but they failed to take into account the blows delivered by a cruel world upon an innocent, delicate young girl.
my glassy eyes would fill with water and rivers would pour down my cheeks when i came home after a day of mocking and criticism. that was in kindergarten. over time, the insults and harsh words only got worse. my glass heart cracked and splintered but it never broke. i was too strong for that. i had God on my side so i knew i was too strong for that.
it was not until this year when i became immune to the daggers lashing off of tongues. my inner fire grew hotter and hotter; the flame soon welded shut the imperfections etched through my glass heart. the agony inflicted by a spiteful world had blossomed into love and joy in my soul.
sand. a key ingredient in the composition of glass. pain. a key ingredient in the composition of me.
in my bedroom, there lays an empty jar. i once would dump little mementos , figments of the past that i dare not forget, into this
jar. so many, in fact, that the lid could no longer be screwed on; notes upon notes of love and gratitude, along with pieces of
treasures from all of the adventures, spilled out of the top. the day my heart broke for the first time was the day that i dumped out
the contents of that jar on my bed; read through every note twice before i tore it in half; crushed each treasure between my
trembling fingers. they will never comprehend how much they broke me.
if you were to merely touch my edges, i would shatter; my pieces strewn on the floor, sparkling in the sunlight.
i warned you that i was broken.
i warned you of my fragility.
so before you indulge in your selfish desires, i beg you to fix me first.
glass: delicate, transparent, pure.
in the beginning, i was whole; undamaged, untouched, untainted. fingerprints had not yet smudged my pure surface.
but that day, that one day, changed everything.
it was a day of celebration. family and friends brought together with laughter and smiles.
i remember the television screen; a tiny raccoon peeked its head out of a trash can.
i do not remember much after that, except for his hands and my pounding heart beat.
after that moment, i could not clean off the smudges. not with water or with blood.
if i were to tell you that i was nothing more than a broken spirit hidden behind a bright smile, you would not believe me;
regardless of the fact that i told you so many times. you only ever saw the good in me, the beautiful in me. never the ugly. because
if you saw the ugly, disgust and anger would fill your mind fear would come and your fallacy of perfection would shatter.
there once was a time, that when you spoke, the angels went silent; mesmerized by your delicate diction and rich tone. i hung off of every word, seeping it up like syrup, addicted to the way it sounded rolling off your tongue.
but now when you speak, an icy breeze escapes through your lips with each cruel word uttered. the love you once had for me is spoiled by hatred and frustration.
if you hold a shard of glass in your hand, it is harmless
but if you squeeze and twist the jagged piece, it will slice open your palm
always be wary when handling a damaged girl
when i walked through the door and saw him sitting in my dining room
anger and fear coursed through my veins
he can not be here
i shut my eyes but his face still haunted my visions and his voice echoed in my ears
he can not be here
no one else felt the steel clamp tight around their throats like i did
speaking, let alone breathing was not a problem for them
no one else felt their hands and feet stiffen
fiddling with the charms on their bracelets
no one else had teardrops cling to their lower lashes
picturing a meadow far far away where he could never go
i am a sliver of glass
not a diamond
i know i am destructible and delicate
i know i can inflict pain just as much as i can take it
i know i am covered in pure marks and filthy smudges
i know some people will never see value in me
but i also know that i am unique
i am a creation unlike anything you have seen before
beautiful and dangerous
the end of a chapter.