“… an individual’s response to the constraints of convention or circumstance.”
I had such a wonderful day today, if you were wondering. When I woke up, it was finally a good morning, I got out of bed, I got ready. But it was time again, when within each moment of the day, I am scared to say or do something to set you off. A bomb is the only way to describe you. But I was at such a high at school when you far away, it was so refreshing, so I stopped caring for a moment.
I knew something was wrong as soon as I entered the car after my day; you gave me the coldest shoulder I have ever received from another being, but I guess I can only compare all of the other instances to when you have done it to me before.
I have homework, but you don’t care. As soon as I sat down to do it, as soon as he came home, the fire wouldn’t stop. You kept feeding it and feeding it and … now I am in bed.
This is a new feeling that I have never felt before. This feeling is indescribable. The amount of pain that I felt within was enough to break me into pieces. It was enough to share with the entire human population on the Earth and still have some left over. I wanted to dig deep and deeper into my heart and rip it out so I wouldn’t have to feel it anymore. I was met with thoughts and prayers I wouldn’t wish upon another soul.
I hate crying myself to sleep for I always have eyebags the very next day. It was interesting how I was minutes away from crying each time I was laughing because of you. The funny thing is that I had to get up on stage with lights beaming onto my swollen face, and for the entire class to see my reddened eyes. My spoken word never fit better than it did in that very moment. You know what’s even more interesting? The fact that you don’t know about that spoken word and its existence. But I’m okay with that because I wouldn’t want you to read it in the first place, I don’t want your constraints in at least the writing aspect of my life. I did good by the way; I was chosen to go forward and present in front of more people that thought they knew what I was talking about. But unfortunately only you know, I hope. It satisfied me like a difficult itch I couldn’t reach when I received the validation from others that I always craved from you.
I hated that I had to go home that Friday because it was the weekend. A weekend of making piles of stones and you trying to set them back into lines again. A weekend of headaches from the constant screams; I just want to rest, I’m so tired.
I recalled a dream that weekend, it was hidden deep inside of my brain for I tried to see the illusion of you for most of my life. There was a boy in your room, he was small and dirty and he kept slingshotting rocks at me.
More than it should’ve. But as soon as he walked into the room, the boy turned into you. I tried to get him alone and tell him about the boy, but he wouldn’t listen, just as he didn’t the night before the spoken word.
You’re still angry with me, I do not know why. I worked even harder these past two weeks to fulfill any of your requests, to fulfill your greed for control. But I should’ve guessed that you wouldn’t care, for each time I thought you did, it was simply a figment of my imagination. Once again, I’ve accepted it, for if I didn’t, I would be swimming in my hallucinations and pure stupidity. But the truth is, you will push me into that pool of ignorance over and over again, and I will allow it. I just need to learn and understand that I’m more than just another string you fail to tune each time.
The only reason why I became happier, is because I stopped caring about you. I stopped caring about your words. I stopped caring about your opinion. I stopped caring about all of you. The way that you could bring me right back under your charm is honestly mesmerising; it’s as if you hypnotise me each time you say “I love you,” but then I remember that if this is love then I don’t want it. If this is how love feels to the touch and to the soul then you can take it right back. You made me realise that love is simply an illusion, as were you.
It is truly fascinating how one single being could regulate how you feel so impeccably, so tastefully, so skillfully. Your constant force of do better, be better, no matter how hard I may try is tiring, and I am simply tired. But this gets thrown away each time you are able to manipulate me so skillfully, and make me forget that I am upset with you. You have brain-washed me so well that the devil is jealous of your capabilities. Why you don’t understand that your actions affect the both of us so deeply, is beyond me.
But I do have to thank you for one thing: I thank you for teaching me what a poisonous being is like, and what they do.