Apologizes. (Portrait Of… Poem)

There are so many things that I wish I could take back in this world – I feel as though I have given too much of myself away to ever be whole again.

And if I have somehow fed your greed by being this way, I’d like you to know it is not your fault.

It never has been.

I do not blame you for my ego – my need to be needed –

or my inability to say no to the requests that take the greatest toll on my own self. I do not want to be thrown aside by you

like some used towel at a cheap hotel.

I value myself less than that, but I don’t want you to know this.


And please excuse me for being a guarded person

only because I have always suspected that you never cared about my well-being enough to realize that I will say I am fine

regardless of how broken I may feel.

You deserve nothing less –

I will not fill your glass with my worries, but you can fill my cup with yours.

I am sorry that when you look into my heart you will find exactly what you are not looking for

because, though I do try,

I don’t think that I could ever be anything more than a disposable to you.

But if that is what you need of me, I will gladly waste away for you.


But when I am alone

I ask that you let me be.

Because when I turn into my own mind

it is one of the last safe, untainted places I have left,

where I can see colour and form without the fear of others not finding it beautiful.

It is the only place in which I know the colour of my own soul

without you telling me what it should be,

because you have never seen the colours of the world like I have.


I am sorry that I will never invite you into my space.


I apologize for the times I have felt inadequate while in your presence, and for the times you have felt that way in mine.


I am sorry for all the times I have had nothing more to offer than a burst of laughter or an empty silence.


I am sorry for consistently letting you down

even though my mistakes hurt me

haunt me

but cause “inconvenience” for you.


I am sorry that I am not the first image I conjure up when I think of love.

So until I do

let me tape myself into some semblance of what I was before you –

before I fell apart

before I used masks to cover myself

because the only thin worse than being vulnerable

is being pitied.


So let me disappear

within my own dreams, where I was something



easier to love

even in the ugliness of the tears and bruises and pain –

the place where I may shine red and blue simultaneously.


This is my last request of you, and I am sorry for it.


These are the things I forgot to apologize for.

I am sorry.


Image credit: https://images.fineartamerica.com/images-medium-large-5/abstract-art-blue-red-white-by-kredart-serg-wiaderny.jpg

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