There are so many things that I wish I could take back in this world – I feel as though I have given too much of myself away to ever be whole again.
And if I have somehow fed your greed by being this way, I’d like you to know it is not your fault.
It never has been.
I do not blame you for my ego – my need to be needed –
or my inability to say no to the requests that take the greatest toll on my own self. I do not want to be thrown aside by you
like some used towel at a cheap hotel.
I value myself less than that, but I don’t want you to know this.
And please excuse me for being a guarded person
only because I have always suspected that you never cared about my well-being enough to realize that I will say I am fine
regardless of how broken I may feel.
You deserve nothing less –
I will not fill your glass with my worries, but you can fill my cup with yours.
I am sorry that when you look into my heart you will find exactly what you are not looking for
because, though I do try,
I don’t think that I could ever be anything more than a disposable to you.
But if that is what you need of me, I will gladly waste away for you.
But when I am alone
I ask that you let me be.
Because when I turn into my own mind
it is one of the last safe, untainted places I have left,
where I can see colour and form without the fear of others not finding it beautiful.
It is the only place in which I know the colour of my own soul
without you telling me what it should be,
because you have never seen the colours of the world like I have.
I am sorry that I will never invite you into my space.
I apologize for the times I have felt inadequate while in your presence, and for the times you have felt that way in mine.
I am sorry for all the times I have had nothing more to offer than a burst of laughter or an empty silence.
I am sorry for consistently letting you down
even though my mistakes hurt me
haunt me
but cause “inconvenience” for you.
I am sorry that I am not the first image I conjure up when I think of love.
So until I do
let me tape myself into some semblance of what I was before you –
before I fell apart
before I used masks to cover myself
because the only thin worse than being vulnerable
is being pitied.
So let me disappear
within my own dreams, where I was something
greater
vaster
easier to love
even in the ugliness of the tears and bruises and pain –
the place where I may shine red and blue simultaneously.
This is my last request of you, and I am sorry for it.
These are the things I forgot to apologize for.
I am sorry.
Image credit: https://images.fineartamerica.com/images-medium-large-5/abstract-art-blue-red-white-by-kredart-serg-wiaderny.jpg
