Here lies the soul of a boy. A soul so damaged by loneliness and longing it forgot how to love itself, as it desired to be loved.
Cause of Death: Heartbreak
Talented, Beautiful, and Entertaining
I am not.
“Even here, I feel like an outcast.” ~Soul
I found myself saying that quite often. Not out of pity, but out of truth. My peers would tell me that I was welcome anywhere at any time, however I never in my life felt that way. They told me people loved me, and that they adored my personality. If that were so, why do they hate me? They run away and look at me as if I were some freak.
A monster.
I remember approaching a dear friend of mine for a moment to give them a gift that I had anticipated giving them for many days; however, as I approached them, I was cast to the side and told I wasn’t welcome. I felt crushed, but I played it off rather well, as I usually do. What truly made me upset was that people told me that they felt welcome around them. They told me they felt as if they were the kindest and most caring individual they had ever met.
I suppose people change when they meet a monster.
I wondered why I wasn’t accepted. What had urged them to accept others, and not me? Was I far too irritating a pest that they felt as if they needed to crush me to silence me? Perhaps, but I suppose I will never truly know since they have disappeared from my life completely, as many people usually do.
“My dear friend! When you stay here, you’re at home!”~Them
I so desired this to be true, and I later found out that it was.
However, not for me.
It seemed you needed to be talented, beautiful, or even entertaining to be welcomed. I have none of these arts, and as a result, I was outcast in a space where only the beloved were ever adored.
I did anything I could to be noticed in that place, but I only attain looks of disappointment and hatred when I see the others.
I told them in my mind, that I knew I had no art, but is this not a place where you are meant to feel at home?
When I’m here, I feel the most away from home.
I never told them because they never assured me I could speak my mind. I felt they would tell me I was desperate for attention, or not in the right place. So, to avoid even more heartbreak, I hid my soul in a world where everyone else’s were in plain sight. When I was told to show my soul, I told them I had no issue with that, and that I would be truthful with them. Yet, as I searched the furthest parts of my heart and mind to find any remnant of my soul, nothing was ever found.
It was gone.
Hence, a world intended to be wonderful, turned out to be nothing more than a grand disappointment.
Lies, Deceit, Betrayal.
This was my art.
All my most humiliating and saddening moments come from there. For that, I shall never forgive it for the curse it has placed upon my existence. I have tried to sacrifice bits of myself to achieve something even greater, yet everyone looks at me as if I were committing a sin.
After all the adversity I’ve ever faced in my life, I have now found a place where I feel less like a monster, and now more of a human.
I was told it would be a mistake to try out for AP English, but I couldn’t have disagreed more with such a statement. For once, I felt welcome in a world that absolutely despised me. I could practice the art I was so deeply passionate about without feeling marginalized for my hideous appearance or lack of art.
“…and don’t try to persuade me that the first good action I have done for years, the first little bit of self-sacrifice I have ever known, is really a sort of sin!” ~Dorian Gray (Ch19, 198-199)
Dear soul how dearly do I miss you! Even in death your facade shows a face of happiness that carries on after every tragedy that has been bestowed upon you! Only you!
I attempt to wave to them, putting on a great big smile, but they choose to wave hello to another!
I attempt to make friends, but they choose to run from me!
I attempt to show that I am capable of art, but they look only towards their already beloved.
Because they are beautiful, and I am not!
I am Frankenstein’s Monster.
I am hideous, I am without art, I am loathing every moment I exist, I am scaring the people I love with open arms, I am a freak, I am inhuman.
I am an Outcast.
“A wish? There is so much I could wish for! To look normal. To live normal. Perhaps a new sweater.” ~Little Freak
Infinite Love & Gratitude!
To all!
But not to me…
Yet,
After all the adversity I’ve ever faced in my life, I have now found a place where I feel less like a monster, and now more of a human.
I was told it would be a mistake to try out for AP English, but I couldn’t have disagreed more with such a statement. For once, I felt welcome in a world that absolutely despised me. I could practice the art I was so deeply passionate about without feeling marginalized for my hideous appearance or lack of art. Living a life of hatred only to be greeted by a group of people with open arms fills me with the utmost joy.
Perhaps my life is not so hopeless. Perhaps my life can mean something to someone. Perhaps I am human.
So, thank you for giving me a home when I had nowhere else to go.
Thank you for being my friend.
Thank you for giving me a reason to smile and laugh.
Thank you for giving my soul a chance to return to me and find a balance between the love and hate.
Thank you.
Dearest Tim,
WOW. This piece is incredible. I admire your courage for writing a piece that is entrenched with what I presume to be personal feelings and reactions. It takes a lot of bravery to write a raw and emotional piece, and I feel as though you have achieved that feat. I especially loved how you encompassed a multitude of matter and pathos into a mass of simple sentences. It was if each word was carefully thought out and planned.
Additionally, I admired how you intertwined quotes that synthesized what you were previously speaking about, this helped the reader understand your thought process and the motivations behind the writing.
One of my favorite lines was, “I never told them because they never assured me I could speak my mind.” because I can 100% relate to that. I too have felt that my voice didn’t belong; however, I soon realized that wasn’t true – it took me a long time to realize this, however. I just want you to know that in AP ELA you NEVER have to worry about your voice not being valued because in the class every voice helps another in understanding.
In terms of improvement, I would offer that you take a look back through the piece with a fine comb and edit some of your GUMPS. I found myself getting confused with pronouns. Also, you beautifully used simple sentences but I feel like this piece would be enhanced with the help of some compound or compound-complex sentences.
Never stop writing!
All the Love,
Victoria
Dear Victoria,
Thank you! Your very words give me the courage to continue to write truthfully. Which itself is a gift, because in a -1 class I felt that I had to conform to what the teacher wanted to hear. Here, I was also nervous to write on what I was passionate about, as I feared ridicule. However, I know that I can write truthfully with people like you to support me. I kept feeling like an outcast in AP. Which is pretty easy since I’m surrounded by such great minds and eyes of disappointment. So, thank you for giving me the courage to write without fear.
Wow, thank you so much for the insightful feedback! Looking over my blog, I realized some of the wording is confusing, and they said things I did not intend! Yikes!
Once more, thank you for the gift of bravery! I look forward to showing you I can improve!!
Much love,
Tim
Dear Tim,
First of all, I must tell you how much of a beautifully brilliant writer you are. Having known you since sixth grade, I always knew about your gift with words and the amazing ability you have that allows you to convey power with such simplicity. You must know that you have never ceased to amaze me, and this piece continues my great awe for your writing genius.
Like you, I think I’ve found a safe haven in AP English. I have found a kindred spirit in your writing, just as I have found myself in the words of the other brilliant writers that make up our AP English class. After reading your post, I realized that I, too, knew how it felt to be an outcast. A monster. An outlander. A loser. Despite what others said to me, I couldn’t bring myself to acknowledge their welcoming words because I never knew if they were speaking the truth. Compliments felt superficial, while their supposed love for me felt more like veiled indifference. I didn’t know where I could freely express my passions, my longings, my desires…until I was met with open arms in AP English. It is there where the homeless can find a home, and where the outcast is accepted. Your words gave substance to my thoughts, and for that, I am grateful. In the sentence “Perhaps my life is not so hopeless. Perhaps my life can mean something to someone. Perhaps I am human,” you instilled me with the hope in knowing that my words no longer fell on deaf ears. In AP, we help each other grow; it is a place where we can fail and at the same time, be seen as human and not as a monster. In it, I discovered that I was not alone in a world I thought despised me, and you must know that neither are you. Tim, just as we have found a home in AP side by side, we shall tread through its waters together, too.
I tried to comb through your composition, looking for areas with the potential for improvement, but I couldn’t find any that stood out to me. The simplicity of your words, as well as their quiet intensity, struck a chord within me. Your sentences, varying in length, felt so beautifully threaded together that I don’t think I would change a thing. The only things I can suggest to you would be what others have already said (they probably know better than I am, given their experience in AP), so perhaps a few compound or compound-complex sentences might enhance your post. However, even without them, your piece demonstrates the skill of a master artist!
I repeat: You have never ceased to amaze me. Your words were beautiful back in sixth grade, and I know they can only grow more beautiful in AP English. The world may be harsh, and it may be cruel, and it may be unloving, but I know that in the words of brilliant writers like you, we can find the beauty that our hearts and our souls long for. Life is difficult, but it can also be beautiful. C’est la vie.
Ever yours,
Jieo
Dearest Jieo-Sama,
Thank you so very much for your kind words! I”m very grateful to have known you for so long, as you have been so supportive of everything I’ve done. To have such a brilliant individual being my friend through some of the greatest challenges of my life fills me such confidence and resilience. You inspire me through not only your words, but through your energy. Anytime I talk to you, I feel welcomed and calm, and I know for certain anyone that talks to you feels the exact same way. So, whenever I feel the overwhelming chaos of my life beginning to become too much, I know I can sit down and talk to you and be reassured that everything will be alright. I thought for the longest time I was alone, and that shook me to the core. You remind me that there is good in this world that still care enough to ask me how I am doing on my worst days. That perhaps life really is quite good. C’Est la Vie!
Also! Thank you very much for the feedback, I will most certainly add some more complexity to my sentences, as not doing so is a little bit of a bad habit for me. Thank you for your honesty!! 🙂
As a final note, I just want to thank you for being my friend! I sincerely hope we’ll stick together beyond high school into the harsh reality of adulthood. I’ll most certainly need that kindness and genuine nature once I enter the real world. Never let go of that beautiful personality you have! I’m proud to call myself a member of the Loser Club. It’s nice to have such wonderful people in your life. 🙂
Thank you, Jieo!
Much love,
Tim
Tim,
Wow. This piece was truly beautiful and touching to read and I want to start out by saying that I did not know that you were someone capable of being so in touch with your emotions that the rawness of your writing evokes an emotional reaction from your reader–as you are always rather ‘stoic’ in class (those are awesome sunglasses by the way) this is not something I expected from you, and yet it is something that you have done wonderfully.
Your writing itself is beautiful, and I loved how you were able to open up about very personal things in this post. I know how daunting it can be to accept your truth, let alone write it out and share it with an entire class of people, many of which you don’t really know, so thank you for sharing your words with us and for being so open I feel like after having read this post, I have come to understand something about you on a different level, and in a way that I hadn’t before. I understand the way you feel like the world is a welcome place for everyone except for you. I understand how you feel like you are not good enough, not talented enough, just not enough at all, because I feel the same way all the time.
As someone who knows and loves Frankenstein dearly, I appreciated the way you compared yourself with Frankenstein’s monster–it really added a whole new meaning to your piece, and provided a powerful comparison for the reader. The monster himself was only a monster because that is the way he was treated, and as I was reading this, I wondered, could that be true of yourself? I know that for me, I often feel like people bring out the worst in me, and they often see me as something I am not–they are afraid or intimidated or they just plain don’t like me, and so in that sense, I am the monster, because a monster is what they wanted, so a monster is what they got. It is what I gave them. (Just an interesting thought.)
In terms of improvement, I would offer that your piece could use be revised to make stronger the clarity–some of your excellent ideas got lost along the way, or weren’t explored to the extent that they could have, so some rewording of some of the sentences would fix this effectively.
All in all, great piece, and I look forward to reading your work in the future.
Infinite love and gratitude,
-hope
(P.s. Why was it called ‘C’Est la Vie’? Just curious :D)
Dearest Hope,
Oh my! Thank you so much for taking the to read my blog!! I feel very honoured that a writer as wonderful as yourself enjoyed my piece. Truthfully, I have always looked up to your writing, and admired the way you conveyed such beauty from your words. Furthermore, it had such purpose in every element, such as your vendetta against capital letters giving them a harsh vibe to your writing. This fascinated me, and I realized from you that writing can have secrets to it beyond its use of syntax or diction. Every word of passion, creativity, and brilliance in your writing teaches me far more about myself and the world around me than any years of -1 could ever hope to teach. So, I urge you, to never stop writing and inspiring the individuals around you! You have quite the beautiful talent, Hope! Thank you!
Furthermore! Thank you for words of grows! When I proofread this piece and tried to find any grammatical mistakes, that was unfortunately all I did. In addition, I knew what the piece meant to me, and I negated seeing it from an outsiders perspective. So, thank you for opening my eyes to this! I’ll implement this grow into my writing, and hopefully use it to bring clarity to my future work!
Ah, yes! C’Est la vie; that’s life! Again, I’m sincerely sorry that I lacked clarity in my writing. I see now that it simply looks as if I added C’est la vie for the aesthetic of the title. In my life, I adopted as my own personal motto since I’m the type of person to accept anything that is presented before him. In the context of this blog, I thought my loneliness was simply meant to be and that there would be nothing I could do to change that. I simply accepted it as a fault of mine, and allowed myself to cope with the harshness “reality” of life. I never knew that I could change for the better. That I can find a group of people that love accept. What I was truly missing is a place where I could fall in love with my passions, and be surrounded by people that felt precisely the same. I was missing AP. I loved English so much, and I didn’t realize anyone felt the same level of love and passion I did. I fit in somewhere, and was accepted. No longer did I have to suffer loneliness, because I finally found peace in the beautiful world of literature. In the past, I gave up far too early, and accepted life as it was. So, that was life to me. C’Est la vie.
Once more, thank you for inspiring me to be truthful in my writing and in the way I feel. Thank you for making me feel welcome in AP!! Thank you for your words of praise and growth. Never ever stop writing and being the wonderful and beautiful human being you are! 🙂
ILAG!
Much love,
tim
It would seem I have made multiple typos here as well. Sorry!! :((
tim
🙂