Uncomfortable Comfort


It’s tiring to be this happy.

I want to shed tears and cry out until my unheard voice is hoarse,

but I can’t even do that much for myself.

I have been stuck smiling for so long

that my cheeks no longer hurt from being raised for long periods of time,

that my dried lips no longer quiver despite its painful cracks,

that my jaw is no longer sore from the constant gritting of my teeth,

holding back a running river of any other emotion unrelated to happiness

threatening to spill out of my mouth like an overflowing, limitless waterfall.

I’ve become so accustomed to this falseness

I feel it’s mask embedding into every corner and curve of my face,

red indentations that never fade away,

we are becoming one.

I am able to give happiness to everyone, but myself and

I have given so much of my love to others that, that is the only thing I know to do.

I discourage the use of the word hate yet I say I hate the things I do and hate the way I am.

I don’t know how to love myself.

I’m sorry this, and I’m sorry that.

I’m sorry for all the things I haven’t even done yet.

They say that they’ll accept who I really am, but they don’t stay when I’m in my toughest times

Being stuck smiling is the only way for me to keep them from leaving.

They say that happiness interrupts the monotony of one’s life but

I have been stuck smiling for so long

that happiness is monotony to me.

They say that I should get over it because others have it worse than me.

Isn’t that what I’m doing?

I’ve been getting over it,

I’ve been stuck smiling for so long,

But why do I feel even more lost than before?

The truth is, deep down I know this isn’t right, but I’m not ready to wipe off this painted grin,

or else I’ll shatter underneath the prying eyes of those who wish to take me apart

and examine every puzzle piece that keeps my soul intact.

I’ll just continue to live this way- in the uncomfortable comfort of smiling.

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