There’s an optimist in me that attempts to make every little bad thing seem okay.
I hand out second chances so easily in hopes that people will stay.
You’ve hurt me once, but I’m sure you won’t next time,
and even if you do
I’ll forgive you all over again.
I still have my doubts.
They’re probably talking behind my back right now,
But they are the only people I can confide in.
And I’m glad they listen, even if they show me
But they aren’t any different from me I guess.
I live off of any sort of validation that I refuse to give myself.
I want people to notice what I do, to recognize and praise my false happiness, so I can keep up with this false life,
even though I know deep down it is anything but right.
My heart accepts all that is given to it but rejects itself.
I am so lost in a world full of pretending that it is impossible for me to achieve anything real out of it.
How is it that I am so determined to encourage others yet am so disregarding towards my own self-worth?
I don’t know how to love myself.
I have given so much of my love to others that, that is the only thing I know to do.
I am shackled by my own words, and I am my biggest bully.
I dislike the use of the word hate yet I say I hate the things I do and hate the way I am.
I live underneath what is called a starless sky,
and what does a bright city with a starless night reveal?
It reveals that artificial lights can suffice what my black soul of a galaxy is missing; stars.
But why do I feel that the hourglass is trickling by
Will I be able to share my heart in time?
I don’t know why I’m here or what I want in this world,
But when a fake meets another fake they become the truth.
We stand face to face
Hands touching, exchanging lies-
This is our reality.
The positivity I spread never reaches my inside, and instead lingers
On the surface of my smile.
Who is the real Faith?
I am still searching for her.
What am I trying to prove?
That I am strong.
When did I decide to take on a role of being fake happy over being genuinely happy when I wanted to?
When I realized that people stay for the positivity, not the negativity.
Where have I hidden my sadness, fear, and anger?
They are stuck in my rawness of throat, clawing at it, but unable to escape.
Why do I smile for the sake of keeping up an image of happiness?
Because I am afraid of being a burden, I am afraid of facing reality, and I am afraid that people will leave me.
How do I change this part of myself that I hate?
I don’t know.
I haven’t quite figured out how to alter my life for the better, especially regarding the second last question of “Why“, but taking the time to reflect and express what’s on my mind throughout this blog post has taught me a few things.
If people really care about me, they will stay because of who I am, not only because of my constant happy-go-lucky attitude.
My face can tell a story, but my eyes always seem to tell a different one. I cannot completely hide what I’m truly feeling.
My “real” self is not missing, but rather, overshadowed by a too familiar cloud of falseness.
There is no use in harboring up my other emotions because sooner or later they will continuously expand until I burst.
Lastly, I’ve realized that faking happiness does not prove to others that I’m strong; because people who are strong are able to persevere and face their troubles, not fake their way through them.