Body & Facade: Right
Heart & Soul: Left
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
To tell true, I am not entirely certain of just who I am. I know of all the shallow details, but I find myself questioning whether I can learn more.
“To many, I am a euphoric and ecstatic individual that enjoys procrastination and taking on challenges I know I cannot defeat!”
To myself, I see nothing more than a hollow and empty vessel. A vessel that is fueled by the approval of others, or perhaps the need to satisfy the needs of others.
To put it simply, I simply exist, and that is all I will ever know.
Listening to Wilde’s words of wisdom reflect upon my own body and soul has made me come to terms with my own reality. I take granted of the fact that I have been given so many opportunities to evolve, but I continue to simply exist.
When I look into my soul, I find nothing.
“Perhaps I cannot see it, as I continue to hold onto the hope that one day I will instantly recognize who I am and what I stand for!”
Yet, nothing has appeared for over 16 years.
From time to time, I get excited thinking I’ve finally understood who I am, but am instantly disappointed to find that what I find is someone else.
I let myself be defined by other who think they have found my soul, but you can never define what you don’t have.
The same man also told me to “Be yourself! Everyone else is taken”.
But I ask him in my mind, how can I be someone that doesn’t exist?
I am but a complex machine of organs and microscopic structures working towards keeping the life of a boy that doesn’t even exist. A complete waste of space, as I’ve been told before.
Nothing terrifies me more than dying before ever living.
“I attempt to exist without exerting far too much effort into what I do, and this is my curse!”
My mind believes that all the answers to every question, and every solution to each problem will be given to me.
The time I spend waiting, is time where I would be better off not existing.
I am a paradox.
I question why I don’t even exist, but I have never attempted to live.
I beg for identity, but I never forge one.
I am my own greatest antagonist, but also my very last hope.
“Often times, I wish to live in the wonderful world of Tolkien’s Shire. Perhaps the flowing waters and vibrant greens can wash away the darkness that is my soul!”
“Darkness must pass, a new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer.” is what Tolkien once told me!
“So until the end of my days arrive, I’ll find that happy and bright world that my shallow mind desires so very much!”
“One day, I’ll take off that mask, and look at the world with my real eyes!”
Or is that my false euphoric side talking about nothing again? To you, it might be some foolish and simple dream. To me, it is just that, and that is all.