Hollow, Euphoria

Body & Facade: Right

Heart & Soul: Left

Tim: Middle

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”

To tell true, I am not entirely certain of just who I am. I know of all the shallow details, but I find myself questioning whether I can learn more.


“To many, I am a euphoric and ecstatic individual that enjoys procrastination and taking on challenges I know I cannot defeat!”


To myself, I see nothing more than a hollow and empty vessel. A vessel that is fueled by the approval of others, or perhaps the need to satisfy the needs of others.


To put it simply, I simply exist, and that is all I will ever know.


Listening to Wilde’s words of wisdom reflect upon my own body and soul has made me come to terms with my own reality. I take granted of the fact that I have been given so many opportunities to evolve, but I continue to simply exist.


When I look into my soul, I find nothing.


“Perhaps I cannot see it, as I continue to hold onto the hope that one day I will instantly recognize who I am and what I stand for!”


Yet, nothing has appeared for over 16 years.


From time to time, I get excited thinking I’ve finally understood who I am, but am instantly disappointed to find that what I find is someone else.


I let myself be defined by other who think they have found my soul, but you can never define what you don’t have.


The same man also told me to “Be yourself! Everyone else is taken”.


But I ask him in my mind, how can I be someone that doesn’t exist?


I am but a complex machine of organs and microscopic structures working towards keeping the life of a boy that doesn’t even exist. A complete waste of space, as I’ve been told before.


Nothing terrifies me more than dying before ever living.


“I attempt to exist without exerting far too much effort into what I do, and this is my curse!”


My mind believes that all the answers to every question, and every solution to each problem will be given to me.


The time I spend waiting, is time where I would be better off not existing.


I am a paradox.


I question why I don’t even exist, but I have never attempted to live.


I beg for identity, but I never forge one.


I am my own greatest antagonist, but also my very last hope.


“Often times, I wish to live in the wonderful world of Tolkien’s Shire. Perhaps the flowing waters and vibrant greens can wash away the darkness that is my soul!”


 “Darkness must pass, a new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer.” is what Tolkien once told me!


“So until the end of my days arrive, I’ll find that happy and bright world that my shallow mind desires so very much!”


“One day, I’ll take off that mask, and look at the world with my real eyes!”


Or is that my false euphoric side talking about nothing again? To you, it might be some foolish and simple dream. To me, it is just that, and that is all.

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4 thoughts on “Hollow, Euphoria

  1. Dearest Tim,

    I loved your blog so much!! It was such a wonderfully written insight into who you are as a person and it was absoloutley fascinating getting to learn about you. My favourite line from you blog was, “I am but a complex machine of organs and microscopic structures working towards keeping the life of a boy that doesn’t even exist. My greatest fear is that this is all I ever will be.” as I, along with quite a few others who have read this, I’m sure, could really relate to that feeling. It’s always so interesting getting to experience the vulnerable side of people – especially those like you who aren’t necessarily outspoken but have lots to say. You have such a a sensational way of stating things that whilst reading your blog I had to pause and take in each of your sentences as I was frequently left in awe with the amount of wisdom and truth you were able to fit into such short sentences. Another line I loved and will continue to consider is, “I take granted of the fact that I have been given so many opportunities to evolve, but I continue to simply exist.” as I believe that this is one of those quotes that will withstand the test of time and will be relevant and important to individuals from now until forever.

    If I may offer some edits, I would recommend incorporating line breaks and pauses in your blogs. The fact that it was all in one paragraph, although wonderful, made it somewhat difficult to read whilst comprehending which points you wished to accentuate.

    Once again great work Tim, I really loved your blog.


    1. Dear Ibukun,

      Thank you so very much for your kind words of encouragement! I believe this message has inspired me to continue writing more blogs, as I was very much afraid before I submitted my words. In addition, I’m so glad that you took the time to read and reply to that! I’m so grateful, and I thank you for taking the time do so. Also, your words of grows will really help further my blogs in the interest. I do believe you are correct in saying it was difficult to read in one paragraph, and as a result I will most certainly strive to make my work look far more pleasing and organized.
      Once more, thank you for everything! I won’t let you down!! :))

      With infinite love and gratitude,


  2. Dear Tim,

    Honestly, all I can say is that you’re amazing, pure and simple. It takes a lot to write so genuinely and openly, and I truly felt that your words gave me some much-appreciated insight into your world. I loved the flow in the piece; you were able to effectively and concisely communicate the depths of your reality with your words, both simple and eloquent. I could very easily relate to the struggles that you face when trying to separate your actual identity from the one bestowed upon you by your facade. Personally, I’ve always been someone who needed people to push her forward, because I was always so terrified of taking the first step. By establishing that sense of realness and sincerity in your piece, you draw in the reader very effectively and allow them to connect with you. Would you say that this blog serves as a kind of first step to defining yourself?

    This may just be me, but I loved the hopeful cynicism that you portrayed so beautifully. I found that your ideas were established in a very intricate kind of cycle. It started with you questioning how much of yourself you knew, and then connecting those emotions with fear, despair and hope, before ending once again on a question of whether or not you could trust the hope you had divulged in. It really made me aware of just how tireless this cycle of soul-searching tends to be, and I loved how you said that you were simultaneously your biggest antagonist and your own last hope. That’s something that resonates with me as both a reader and a person, and your way with such fundamental truths is absolutely stunning, in a heartbreaking kind of way.

    The only advice I might give (totally optional in that its absence doesn’t take away from the post) is using the Shire as a bigger symbol to weave throughout the piece. For example, what does it hold for you that this world doesn’t? Has it revealed anything about your values to you that may aid you in growing to be someone who lives fully? If so, how? On this note, I’d also like to say that I was totally enraptured by your presentation today. Thank you so much for the trust you put in everyone there and for being so honest and vulnerable, though it was difficult. I can’t express how happy I am to be able to grow alongside you and the class. Though you may think yourself a boy that doesn’t exist, thank you for teaching us all a little bit on learning how to live.



  3. Dear Tim (Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim!!),

    You truly belong in this AP class. As worried as you may have felt before your presentation, mind filled with thoughts that you aren’t as insightful as the others… You delivered what you thought you wouldn’t be able to do. The words presented in this blog come together to create beautiful quotes in which have now been ingrained into my mind.

    Sentences such as, “I consider myself fearless, but nothing terrifies me more than dying before ever living.” or, “I am my own greatest antagonist, but also my very last hope.” hold so much of an impact in its simplicity. Being insightful isn’t just limited to big, impressive words: it is the most straightforward that can connect easily to a reader’s heart.

    I particularly love your use of punctuation. Every comma is there for a reason, especially to give the reader a moment for quiet reflection or a breath to digest your inspiring words. However, remember too many in unnecessary places can take away from what you are writing. Not that this happened in your blog, but it’s just something to consider in the future when you write!

    I commend you on sharing a part of yourself on this blog, it certainly isn’t easy to put your heart out like this for others to see.


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