Quisnam Sum

The words.

A simple two word sentence that holds so much in between the minuscule spaces of its letters: a world of sentiments I am asked to express but cannot find. It’s baring a part of yourself that others will not see at a single glance. It’s exploring the depths of your facade, heart and soul in which even you can’t acknowledge. 

I can’t acknowledge the person I am both inside and outside – but it’s not why you would think.

I am incapable of talking about who I am as I don’t even know myself. 

For this reason, I cannot find the words even in the simplicity of its sentence because, as simple as it may sound, it is far from being so. 

 

***

“If you could read my mind…”

***

 

Quisnam sum. Tell me, who am I?

I wish you would tell me who I am and tell me about the facade I put up for others to see. 

When I first read “The Facade” and was asked what I saw in the mirror, I found myself believing I did not have one. What I present to people: how I talk, how I think and what I like… That is who I am if I were to give a definition to it. There is no hiding it, and I don’t want to.

What you see is what you’ll get.

However, there is so much more to me than the girl who doesn’t raise her hand in fear of being incorrect. There is so much more than the girl who likes foreign music and mishears comments, asking something as ridiculous as if someone just said they have a watermelon in their backpack.

Isn’t that what a facade is? Not showing all parts of yourself to the world? Perhaps I deny the fact that I have put up a facade in fear of admitting I have a second side to me. But I know I am the girl you will meet in class and that’s I realize that a facade isn’t always negative. Sometimes it’s putting up walls because you are afraid something, anything.

What you see is not the only thing you’ll get, because there is so much more.

 

***

***

 

As I struggle to find the words hidden in my soul, I rely on what I am familiar with to express what I want to say. I cannot find the words but the people whom I connect with can. This is why the music I listen to is so important, because the lyrics resonate with me like no one else can. I find that I can see a little more into my soul with the words of music that is often laughed about because they don’t understand, or even care to try to.

Everyone’s interests aren’t so surface level as they may seem. They come from a place of understanding, of finding a part of yourself in it that can be conveyed even when you cannot find the words. 

There is so much more to what you know about me. There is a world of memories, of insecurities and worries, and of a girl who has trouble sharing her feelings with even the people closest to her. This fact in itself, is hard for me to share and admit. 

 

***

***

 

I always think I know what I want, until it reaches the tips of my fingers and the joy that comes with the idea of something slips away from my grasp. Excitement or love can turn to unease and hesitancy. Have I misinterpreted what I feel, or am I too afraid to acknowledge it as they get closer and stronger? 

I struggle with sharing my feelings as I myself don’t understand them quite yet. The words fail me and I find I am lost with what to say, afraid of hurting or bothering others when I’m only poisoning my mind further. 

I always can’t help but wonder that if I can’t understand myself, who can?

 

***

 As lost as I may feel, as much as I struggle with who I am or to define who I have become, I know that one day I will understand. While I continue to navigate this world, learning about my facade, heart and soul, I can realize what makes me who I am and work towards being the best version of myself. 

There are always ups and downs in my life, feelings I can’t understand or reasons for things I can’t seem to find. I am, however, far from being unhappy with my life. 

For the most part I am proud of being me… whoever that may be.

 

***

It’s only when you fully understand who you are that others will follow. It is only when you are at your happiest that your heart is open to a world of possibilities, instead of beating to the rhythm of safety you are familiar with. 

One day I know I will discover that world in which will merge with the safe one I only know of now. 

It only takes time. 

 

***

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4 thoughts on “Quisnam Sum

  1. Dearest Elissa,

    Having you in my family group for two years in a row has unfortuna- just kidding. Having you in my family group for the 2nd year in a row has been amazing – I have gotten to see you grow both as a writer and a person. Thank you for sharing your beautiful words with the world, as you are an amazing writer and friend whose skill with the written word is insurmountable.

    First off, I would like to tell you how amazed I am at your ability to write a personal piece while still making me feel as if I am reading poetry. Your writing has evolved into a deep and saturated poetic tone, and your syntax makes this piece flow off the page (or screen?) as if Morgan Freeman were reading it in my head. You evoke such powerful mental imagery without really using imagery at all – which may sound weird, but it really makes your writing an inciting mental thing to experience.

    One line in particular that states, “I always think I know what I want, until it reaches the tips of my fingers and the joy that comes with the idea of something slips away from my grasp.” actually made me sigh – almost in relief. You wrote a line that put into words a feeling that I don’t know how to describe, and a feeling that I can most definitely relate to. Thank you for having such intricate articulation of the most compliccated things – that takes skill I’m not sure I even have. Bravo!

    One “grow” that I would offer to you is to maybe be more specific in your examples – as Liza pointed out in my own blog post, I would have liked to see a little more information because I was left wanting more of your writing!!

    Keep writing beautifully.

    Much love,

    Carmen 🙂

    1. Dearest. Carmen.

      Ha, ha. Being constantly ridiculed by you almost every day for half a semester for two years has– Nevermind.

      On a serious note, thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog!

      It has been so wonderful sharing a family group. You have been one of the soul reasons as to how my writing has grown. Sitting beside you and seeing your words flow onto a page has been mesmerizing, it was always a strong motivator for me to want to attain the same level of skills as you. Every day that our family group would share what we wrote in their writing journal, you were never afraid to read yours out loud. Why would you? Your mind transforms words and ideas into what I would say, is magic.

      Wow, Morgan Freeman… I have never been so honored to sound like a man in your head. Thank you for pointing out the poetic tone and mental imagery, as I am glad my blog was able to produce that effect. It appears this entry has produced something more than I could have wished for.

      As someone who has problems with putting feelings into words, I am glad that I was able to describe a feeling you know as well. I’m so used to looking to others to find the right words. I would have never known I could provide, what the others do to me, to you.

      Lastly, thank you for providing that grow! Perhaps in my writing I hesitate because I don’t want to be more specific. If I do, it is giving a closer glimpse into who I am. It was a little scary posting this, as the words here share more than I have been willing to tell to most people. I find that I need to open up more and your grow has pushed me to believe increasingly so. Not to mention, I even want to be more specific. Writing can be so much more impactful if you are willing to be more vulnerable. I appreciate you reminding me of this, albeit unintentional I believe.

      I look forward to working with you further this year, Carmen! It is a blessing to do so. 🙂

      Sincerely,

      Elissa.

  2. Elissa,

    Wow. You have grown tremendously since AP last year, and I am truly humbles to have read this post–it showed a side of you that I’d never seen before, and for that I am grateful.

    Your blog post was beautiful. The simplicity of the style combined with the complexity of the ideas made for a very compelling read, and I found myself re-reading certain lines over and over because you gave a voice to some things I had been feeling, but didn’t have the words to express. Namely, ‘I struggle with sharing my feelings as I myself don’t understand them quite yet.’, and ‘As lost as I may feel, as much as I struggle with who I am or to define who I have become, I know that one day I will understand.’ The voice with which you write is just beautiful.

    You wrote about feeling lost. About not understanding yourself, not knowing who you are. I am so sorry you feel this way–coming from somebody who has been feeling like that for probably her whole life, I can only say you are not in this alone. I know what you mean when you write about hoping to understand yourself one day, about feeling lost and not knowing how to fix it. And I would like you to know that if there is ever anything you need, anything at all, everyone in AP, myself included, are here to help you. I truly mean that.

    In terms of feedback, I would offer (building off of Carmen’s point) that I too was left wanting more–your writing is so beautiful and engaging that when I finished reading the post I felt incomplete in a way, for I so badly wanted there to be something else, anything at all, that would allow me to keep reading. Additionally, because I think the assignment involved sharing a writer who has influenced you(. . ?) I wanted to know who that writer is for you.

    All in all, this is a beautiful piece, and I would like to thank you for writing your truth–I know that so many people relate to it, and your honesty only amplifies this.

    ilag,

    -hope

    1. My lovely Hope!

      I am so glad that my words were able to resonate with you and be able to explain some of the feelings you and I both share. Thank you far saying that my writing here sounded beautiful, I am happy it gave this effect.

      Secondly, thank you for reminding me I am not alone and that I have people to talk to. Hope, you are so lovely and kind to be around, I am so happy I have been honoured with your presence in these past two years. I knew you three years ago, but not in the way I do now. So thank you, thank you, thank you!!

      Okay, I will definitely keep that in mind for my writing in the future. Honestly? It is a grow but I feel that is the best grow you can get, so once again thank you!

      Yes, when I wrote this blog I remember reading that I were to write about a writer or quotes. I chose a music writer instead of a literature writer (whoops) and I think part of the reason is because I don’t have a literature writer that inspires me. I need to find who that is, and when I do I will make sure to write about it in a future blog.

      I can’t thank you enough! I will do it one more time – thank you for taking the time to read my blog and giving me feedback. It is much appreciated!!

      Love,
      Elissa

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