For a person who tries to deeply analyze other people through “meticulous observations”, I find that I’m actually very closed off in my expression. I try to be conscious of how I express myself, which really just ends up creating my “facade”. This culminates in my outward character being a quiet type, a spectator who only ever astutely observes but rarely ever directly takes part in the surroundings. I truly believe that I only create my facade as a sort of safety measure against people like myself; I’m afraid of people who enjoy observing others. Protection against meticulous observations, which I myself indulge in, is what acts as a fuel to the cold flames that make up my facade. I often come too close to these flames of my facade thinking they’ll provide me with warmth, but all that ever happens is that I lose sight of my true self, trapped by the comfort of the facade I created.
My heart and soul lie inside of my facade. It acts as a cover over them, so as to conceal their nature, yet indubitably there will always be times when another individual will see through my facade and my innermost self is brought out into the open. This part of me really just reveals the vulnerabilities that I try so arduously to hide: my fear of judgement, my family values, my distrustful (perhaps partly cynical) nature, my anxiety, my failures. Ironically it is the innermost part of myself, which I try so desperately to hide from the outside world, that makes up what I perceive to be my character. My soul is what I believe to be the essence of the character; it is the part of me that I never wish to change. Flickers of my soul can be seen in small patches that are not covered by the facade I cloak myself in, but my heart will remain hidden until I open it up myself; there are some things that you can only ever learn about a person if they choose to show you it themselves. No amount of analyzing an individual or crawling into his/her skin (figuratively, of course) will allow you to peer into their heart. I’m not entirely certain exactly where my heart lies, but I know what parts of it contain. My desire for, along with doubts about, my sincerity with others is something that I definitely know exists within my heart. There are always times where I feel that I have to overplay my emotions so that I may achieve the sincerity that I seek, yet this facade only ever ends with me regretting over my insincerity with my emotions in the end. All my self-doubts exist within my heart, controlling my facade and choosing which parts of my soul are shown to the other people. Along with my self-doubts, however, exist my pathos and ethos, although ethos is more so shared with the soul. My heart becomes the guidance that sculpts my soul, yet at the same time, it also manipulates my facade.
THE WORDS
Of all the novels and plays that I’ve read, there have been few that I’ve ever really felt the desire to reread. If I ever did reread any of the novels which I feel did not have a profound effect on me, it’d most likely only serve a functional use; I would not enjoy it in the least. This selective nature of mine limits which parts of literature that I will take to, but it is this limitation that makes my love for literature that I come to enjoy everlasting. The first novel that I’ve ever felt such a connection to was To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee, and the reason for this is mainly because it taught me how much I loved to try to read people; in the same way, I learned how my method of understanding people was flawed. I was much too judgemental (in my defense, I was apologetically judgemental) in my attempts to understand other people. Jem’s ardent manner of ascending the steps of adolescence under the guidance of his father gave me an easy connection to the novel, and it was through this connection that I came to understand how I might judge people, as Atticus taught Scout and Jem to recognize this aspect of themselves. Of all the wonderfully quixotic quotes within this novel, the one that I will never forget would be Atticus’ (slightly overused) quote on understanding other individuals: “You never really understand a person…until you climb into his skin and walk around in it”. Although the quote lacks the sophistication that is characteristic of most insightful quotes, its sheer simplicity allows for understanding and even encourages self-reflection. I’d like to think that trying to understand people is a very important part of my personality and had I not read this novel, I most likely wouldn’t have been able to work on it. Elie Wiesel’s memoir Night is something which I don’t believe I will ever get tired of reading. Firstly, it was the first book I ever read in the AP English classroom in Grade 10 which lends it tremendous nostalgic value to me; secondly, it was the novel that demonstrated to me that AP English was really more than a place where people utilized eloquent vocabulary and carefully analyzed pieces of literature. I saw that AP English was more of a place where people could be sensitive to their innermost feelings in regards to a text. That was something I’d never even remotely thought of as a possibility for ELA 10AP when I daydreamed about it over the summer that preceded it. Out of all of Night’s touching moments, there was no moment that hit me harder than Elie’s reaction to the smoke from the burning people, where he begins by saying “Never shall I forget…”, and the part that reached me emotionally was the fact that other people, when asked about their thoughts on it, felt the same sort of sensitivity to the subject. There’s always a strange moment internally when you come to the realization that you’re given the invaluable privilege of being able to sit in a room with people who are able to feel the words in a similar manner to how you feel the words. It’s really a class where people think and analyze because they want to, not because they are told to. The third book is more of a recent read for me, for it is Khalid Hosseini’s A Thousand Splendid Suns. After reading literature like To Kill A Mockingbird, A Streetcar Named Desire, 12 Angry Men, etc, I thought that my understanding of analysing others had peaked for my adolescence years; I couldn’t think of anything else I may not know of! Reading the novel, however, specifically with the special points of view from which it is told, led me to the conclusion of what I believe to be known as “the heart”. It led me to the conclusion that there will always, without fail, be portions of an individual that you can never learn just by reading them or by looking at the parts of their soul that are shown. These are the parts of an individual that you can only know if the individual themselves chooses to reveal it to you. Looking over the story of Mariam and Laila, along with their thoughts and eventual interaction, I believe that they eventually came to understand the hearts of one another without having to speak to one another. They had to allow these parts to be shown to the other. The only time a person can ever completely understand another is if that person shows them their heart, and for Mariam and Laila, this was how they came to that level of understanding.
Image 1: Taken by family
Image 2 (A Thousand Splendid Suns):
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/1/10/A_Thousand_Splendid_Suns.gif
Image 3 (Night):
https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/41kkT0WKkXL.jpg
Image 4 (To Kill A Mockingbird):https://i.pinimg.com/736x/06/f1/f4/06f1f493a6fac042d852938e8eea4aa2–to-kill-a-mockingbird-quote-posters.jpg
https://i.pinimg.com/736x/06/f1/f4/06f1f493a6fac042d852938e8eea4aa2–to-kill-a-mockingbird-quote-posters.jpg
Dear Rehman,
I’m not quite sure how else to start this out. After knowing you (without choice, I might add) for the last 15 years of my life, I can safely say that, when distressed and confused, I look up to you. I am beyond blessed to have you as a brother, as I have learned so much from you. Seeing you grow and growing myself in the same way, I feel that I understand exactly what you mean when you say you are “a spectator who only ever astutely observes but rarely ever directly takes part in the surroundings.” Because that is how I’ve always seen you. I’ve never thought that you need to take part in the surroundings, because you’ve done so beforehand. After that, you carefully watch and learn. And that’s how you’ve taught me. So thank you for that.
And now with your blog. This is quite the work you’ve done. Expressing yourself so accurately. To be fair, growing up “under your wing” has taught me a thing or two, and I have long since deciphered your fears and nature. What really surprised me is how you were able to be so blatant about it in your blog. Knowing you, I expected you to encrypt your words with imagery and metaphors, forcing the viewer to look deeper. I must commend you on your direct honesty, as I have been able to tell that it was quite a stretch for you at first. And, moreover, I also appreciate my appearance in the picture that you used. That was awful nice of you. Finishing off about your blog, I want to say that I think we have a lot more in common than either of us may think. Believe it or not, the very first novel that I connected to, and the novel which sparked my love for English, was To Kill A Mockingbird. And although I couldn’t put it into words back then, I believe you have done that for me now. So thank you.
Finishing off my comment, I feel like I owe you an apology. Because I feel like I stole from you the freedom of expression in our AP class. Sure, it’s extremely fun to joke around with you in class and all, but after reading you a little during class, I’ve noticed that you’re always a little more careful about what you say. And I believe that it’s because I’m there. I restrict your words. I don’t let you be free in the class because you know I won’t let you go at home. And I’m sorry for that. I know it must be hard, trying to finish off in your grade 12 year strong with me watching you with a pair of binoculars. Just know that, whatever happens in the class, will now and forever stay in the class. (Unless you make fun of me. In which case, a war may be called.)
Love you!
Muhammad
Dear Rehman,
I’m not quite sure how else to start this out. After knowing you (without choice, I might add) for the last 15 years of my life, I can safely say that, when distressed and confused, I look up to you. I am beyond blessed to have you as a brother, as I have learned so much from you. Seeing you grow and growing myself in the same way, I feel that I understand exactly what you mean when you say you are “a spectator who only ever astutely observes but rarely ever directly takes part in the surroundings.” Because that is how I’ve always seen you. I’ve never thought that you need to take part in the surroundings, because you’ve done so beforehand. After that, you carefully watch and learn. And that’s how you’ve taught me. So thank you for that.
And now with your blog. This is quite the work you’ve done. Expressing yourself so accurately. To be fair, growing up “under your wing” has taught me a thing or two, and I have long since deciphered your fears and nature. What really surprised me is how you were able to be so blatant about it in your blog. Knowing you, I expected you to encrypt your words with imagery and metaphors, forcing the viewer to look deeper. I must commend you on your direct honesty, as I have been able to tell that it was quite a stretch for you at first. And, moreover, I also appreciate my appearance in the picture that you used. That was awful nice of you. Finishing off about your blog, I want to say that I think we have a lot more in common than either of us may think. Believe it or not, the very first novel that I connected to, and the novel which sparked my love for English, was To Kill A Mockingbird. And although I couldn’t put it into words back then, I believe you have done that for me now. So thank you.
The only thing I would change in order to amplify the effect of your post to others would be the structure of your last paragraph. I think you know me well enough to know that, when I see such a long paragraph with the words all cluttered together, I have tendencies to skim, instead of reading the whole thing. Hence, I had to read it over a couple times just to get a basic understanding of what you were saying. Everything else, I found, was better organized and was easier on my poor eyes to read.
Finishing off my comment, I feel like I owe you an apology. Because I feel like I stole from you the freedom of expression in our AP class. Sure, it’s extremely fun to joke around with you in class and all, but after reading you a little during class, I’ve noticed that you’re always a little more careful about what you say. And I believe that it’s because I’m there. I restrict your words. I don’t let you be free in the class because you know I won’t let you go at home. And I’m sorry for that. I know it must be hard, trying to finish off in your grade 12 year strong with me watching you with a pair of binoculars. Just know that, whatever happens in the class, will now and forever stay in the class. (Unless you make fun of me. In which case, a war may be called.)
Love you!
Muhammad
*Dearest Rehman,
Your work is always truly wonderful, and I like how you chose “meticulous observations” as your title because it represents your soul. I’ve always looked up to your writing style and your diction because you use such words to reflect the intellect residing in you. You are such a humble and amazing person!
Yours truly,
Kelley
To dearest and sincere Kelly,
Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read my blog post! You are far too kind in your words, yet I cannot help but accept it. You are very observant (as I would have expected) in finding that the title of “Meticulous Observations” represents my soul; initially, I had wanted to put a title that would be more reflective or my heart or mind, but I felt showing my soul would’ve better represented who I am. I have learned large parts of the humility that I am currently trying to develop by interacting with the sincerity that is always present in your words, whether spoken or written. Despite trying to desperately grasp at your ability to be sincere in your kindness, happiness, intelligence, and charm, I’ve still been unable to fully understand how you are able to do so. It is something that you will definitely have to teach me this year!
Humbly yours,
Rehman
My dearest little brother,
Out of all people that I have the privilege to know, I would have thought that I had you figured out the most; I was wrong. You managed to completely upset my expectations in two ways: firstly, you actually submitted your comment a full twenty-four hours before the due date, which shocked me. Secondly, your words invited introspection, and by the time I was finished, I learned how much you’ve changed who I am in English AP. You have not changed me, however, in the way that you believe you have changed me. I had never imagined that I’d ever be given the gracious gift of getting to be in the same class as a member of my family (mostly because I was under the impression that it was downright impossible for me to fail a grade, as that was the only way the one-year gap between our grades could be reduced) yet I was able to receive that gift through AP English. Ever since we’ve been in the same English class, I’ve honestly felt more open to others. I’ve felt that I could be more vulnerable, could show more of my heart and my soul. Because you were there with me. You were a piece of home that would always remain with me, whom I could look to and feel the sense of love and safety that comes with being home. Initially, I was apprehensive about being in the same class as you, since I knew for a fact that you could see right through the facade that I always tried so vehemently to maintain; you encouraged me to remove parts of the facade. You have no need to apologize to me since you’ve helped me open myself up instead of close myself off. You’d be better justified in demanding my gratitude, honestly, for your presence inspired me to be more vulnerable. You humble me when you say that you learn from me, watching me carefully with your “pair of binoculars”. I find that I learn from you in a similar fashion, observing your first and then trying to emulate different aspects of your personality.
Reading over my blog post, I can definitely understand your observant suggestion, and I will definitely watch out for the structure of my lengthier paragraphs…but just in case, I will most definitely have you check that particular aspect of my writing over next time!
Although you will always be my dearest little brother, I want you to know that I am infinitely grateful to have you as one of my greatest (unpaid) teachers! I have been able to immerse myself in the vulnerability and humility that exists in the AP classroom, and there is no way I could’ve done so without you by my side.
Sincerely and Truly yours,
Rehman