This is the hardest thing I have ever done. As we slip down my face and chest and look into my Heart, I can feel the nausea in my stomach. Below is a journal entry I wrote in Summer 2017. In my presentation I will touch on my dilemma of not wanting proof of myself and why I’m so bad at journaling. This was incredibly difficult to type out, but, without further ado, here are my authentic and uncensored Words:
June 30th, 2017
I am an artist and I am starving and I am lazy and I am done. I am sick of love and I am sick of society. The only problem is that I am my very own enemy and that is the reason why am I am starving and lazy and sick. I am horrible to my body. I either purposefully stave myself or just eat sugar. Some say that the mind dies with the body and I don’t know if that is true. And I’m speaking solely from an atheist’s perspective. I mean there’s a distinct difference between the mind and the body and sometimes when the body isn’t doing well, the mind could be thriving whereas when the body is healthy and fantastic, the mind is dying. But there is still the phrase, “Happy body, happy mind.” And it totally makes sense but it’s not always true. Like the more sick I feel, the more poetic I am. Maybe it’s because my mind is more raw and crazed? I sound like a lunatic.
July 21st, 2017
I’ve been really bad with my medication lately, I either take too much or none at all and I feel like it’s really fucking up my brain. I’ve started to become very doubtful. Mostly, I’ve been doubtful with my abilities as a writer. I’m trying really hard to be my best self and never be less than who I really am. This may not sound difficult for someone who is neurotypical but for me it feels like lying. Like I am lying to myself. I question almost everything I feel, think, and do. It’s like the voice in my head has become an interrogator or a very nosy therapist. It’s like I have a devil’s advocate constantly interrogating me. I wish I was dead sometimes. Alas, I have a book to write and a boy to pursue so at least I have some hope left.
Now these were written a couple of months back and I’ve started a journey of self love and taking care of my body. Reading these have opened my eyes of how my past lifestyle was horrible and I pray and hope that no one is in this state where they feel like the only way for them to feel loved and pretty is to starve themselves because the motto “Happy body, happy mind” has helped me realize that the more I focus on how my body feels, the less I focus on the opinions of others and the negativity of the voice in my head. I’ve never felt happier. To tell the truth, love has been hard on me. Last year was a year where I not only suffered heartbreak because of rejection but I also suffered the heartbreak of not being able to love myself. There were times when I was confident in my body but I wasn’t confident in my mind and their were times where I was confident with my mind but not confident with my body. I was constantly bullying myself, mentally and physically. Fortunately, literature has been a huge remedy for me, especially writers such as Oscar Wilde. The more I focus on literature the more at peace I feel with the world and the more at peace I feel with myself. For example, Oscar Wilde has healed me in a way that I can’t explain. The way he takes so much pride in his unconventional ideologies and work inspires me to be just as unusual. Reading his works makes me a better reader, writer, and thinker. They have also been a huge support system for me to not take life so seriously and to take risks. He has also made me into a stronger woman. And I know it’s a little ironic for a young woman to look up to a man as her role model but it’s funny how he encourages my femininity- for he was just as effeminate.
I can definitely confirm that my current (and sadly infrequent) journal entries have brighter connotations weaved into the brilliancy and wit of Oscar.
6 thoughts on “Starving Words”
* Dearest Liz,
As I am reading your blog, I am wondering what obstacles you’ve had to overcome during your summer. (I really do hope you feel better now.) I’m happy and relieved that you were able to find a path of self love through literature. You were the first person to introduce yourself to me in our class in grade 9, and being the shy and introverted person I am, I greatly admired you to simply talk to someone you didn’t know. You are a strong and beautiful person, and in the future, you will look back upon this dilemma, and realize that you have grown as a person.
Smiles and hugs,
I’m overwhelmed with how much I appreciate and love your comment. So much has happened between grade 9 and now and I’m so blessed to have such beautiful friends. I really have grown over the past couple of months and it’s due to performing arts and literature but also because of my friends who never falter to support me.
Thank you and love,
* Dear Liza,
I am constantly being blown away with your intelligence with class and this blog is no different. It is nice to see a more personal piece of writing. You speak of change and growth with such grace and maturity I swear you are much older than sixteen.
All the love,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and comment. I am so humbled by you and your words.
Dearest Liz (again),
As you are the person I must comment on, I’ll provide my reaction to your blog on a more professional level (hopefully). I’d rather not analyze your personal journal because it’s not something I feel should be analyzed, but here it goes.
Your blog is wonderful, and provides a sneak peek into your personal life; I applaud you for having the courage to write about such a sensitive topic to yourself and being able to share it with others. 🙂
First of all, I really loved how you used anaphora as a literary device to enhance your work. The repetition of the words “I am”, really made reading your piece more smooth and poetic. If I read it out loud, it sounds really nice and eloquent.
I also liked how you used the quote “Happy body, happy mind” to describe how you feel about your situation and how you kind of found a loop hole in it.
The part where you say “the more sick I feel, the more poetic I am”, I think relates to the themes of the beauty of tragedy. I also find myself able to write poetry more easily if I’m sad, and I think that writing about adversity and overcoming them is more beautiful that writing about plain old good things. I also feel that lunacy is something we experience in our lives, and so many people out there have some periods of craziness to them at some point. I think it’s just part of human nature, and its weakness that comes along with it.
But remember, Liz, you are not alone.
Although I do kind of disapprove of the swearing, I can’t exactly say anything to go against it. Someone once told me that swearing can hold power in your words, but using it all the time loses that power. a.k.a. swear in moderation (Sorry, I’m just ranting)
I liked how you used the example of the devil’s advocate; I think it provides more depth to your piece as a whole, because you are touching a subject that people don’t like to talk about with others.
The last paragraph was a relief to read. I kept wondering if you were okay while reading your journal entries. As mentioned before, I’m really glad that your walking on a path of self love, and happy that Oscar Wilde helped you overcome those obstacles.
In terms of things to work on, I think you should elaborate/expand more about what you experienced, because it would provide more context to the piece as a whole. I realize that what you’re writing about is a sensitive topic, but I would really want to continue reading it. Maybe you could also add more images into your blog; I think it would help to enhance it. Besides that, I really have nothing else to say because I don’t like telling others what they could/should do.
Lots of love,
P.S. I really like the title of your blog because I’m so bad at naming things.
Thank you so much for your feedback and kind words! I really appreciate how supportive you are of my blog because it took a lot of deliberation to decide whether or not I should post this or not.
I love you so much!