To Fall In Love With Ones Self…

For a long time, I had been afraid of judgement.

I’ve been scared of the rude remarks said behind my back, the statements and facts about me that everyone but me could see.

As time wore on, my resiliency and tough skin thinned out because of criticism: criticism that scrapped against my skin and tore into my flesh. No one could hear my cry of agony because I kept it quiet. For those few years, I felt like a wild beast encased in this black tunnel that I had created myself. I felt useless – I mean, everyone accused me of being fake, pathetic, and a attention, excuse my language, whore – so why shouldn’t I feel this way? In those days I struggled to get out of bed, I looked at myself as this empty shell that took the form of a human. I was so deprived of life on the inside that all I could hear was silence. Silence so loud it hurt, silence that ripped apart every one of my molecules each useless breath I took.

I remember putting on this mask every morning just to show the world that I was okay. I would plaster a smile on my face and smile. Smile so my friends and family wouldn’t be concerned for me, for I didn’t want
to burden anyone with my endless suffering. But as the dark fell upon the land and each twinkling burning ball of flame came up, I tore my mask from my face with such fierceness, I resembled a animal that had been starved for days. I remember pouring out every sickening thought in the form of water and covering up my muffled screams. Those days my mind was like a collision of stars, I was so blinded by everyone else’s thoughts and opinions, I couldn’t find space for my own. Those nights felt infinite and morning felt light-years away. As I struggled, I couldn’t find peace within myself. I couldn’t decide what was more horrendous: facing the day with a mask that hid so much or facing the demons that consumed me at night.

After a continuous cycle of this pain, I grew numb. I grew numb to anything and everything. I wanted to stop in time, enjoy the company of nothingness and plaster my existence on the wall like a painting. I was beyond the point of pain, I was beyond all emotions. It was around this time that I decided to pick up a pen and paper, I wrote: I am happy. Those three words were the biggest lie I had ever told. I wanted to write the words because I wanted to feel the pen touch paper and physically express something that I wanted so bad. I wanted to see what it would feel like to stop and feel those feelings once again. To be flooded with happiness, swallowed by pleasures instead of this annoying hum in place of my feelings. After I wrote the words, I felt a vault sprout open in me. I touched the tip of the pen to the paper once more and I felt a jolt of electricity, much like the one that brought Victor Frankenstein’s monster to life, and I too, felt alive.

I now devote a big portion of my life to words. Words are beauty and grace, they are everything humans are not. Words can be restricted at times but I think that they are a way to pour out every inch of your soul. With the help of words I’m able to express all the feelings that are bottled up inside me, I can release my tsunami of feelings onto the page and be freed. With the help of words, I have come to realize that the only person that can make you feel what you feel is you, everyone else’s opinions are just extra. At the end of the day it’s what you know, that you have, inside yourself that matters.

Picture source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/71776187788962531/

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8 thoughts on “To Fall In Love With Ones Self…

  1. Dear Judy,

    This piece really hit me hard; it was as if thirteen-year-old me was calling out from the spaces between your words to remind me that this was exactly how I used to feel until I came to love myself. I see so much of my past in this piece that it’s shocking to see something written by someone else that is so completely reflective of my past. I am grateful to you for being honest and bold about something that is such a sensitive topic for so many people. You did a beautiful job of capturing this beautiful and terrible truth.
    I love your opening line because it immediately drew my attention to the piece and hooked me in with something that- for the most part- your entire audience can relate to as a whole. That was a very clever choice, and it immediately engaged me in your writing and set the tone for the piece.
    I also wanted to draw attention to the prominence of your personal writing voice in this piece. It especially comes out in your interjections, but it’s there throughout and its presence is strong.
    The richness of your vocabulary and the strength of your metaphors were also captivating, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciated reading this piece because of that; through your figurative language, I found catharsis, joy, sorrow, and an opportunity to reflect back on my past.
    If I were to give your something to work on for next time, it would be to look at breaking up your paragraphs a bit more. This was an issue I had for a long time too, so don’t worry. The longer paragraphs are chunkier, and they end up restricting flow and coherence. I would have felt that your piece was more grounded had the flow been improved.
    I know you haven’t been in AP English for too long, but you most definitely belong here. I am honored to have read this piece. Come talk to me in class; I would love to get to know you better. Keep writing!

    Love,
    Ziyana

    1. Dear Ziyana,

      I’m undoubtedly grateful that you took the time to read and comment on my first post. Thank you so much!

      I think a piece of writing that has the ability to bring so many people together holds much power. This being said, I think it is astonishing that you and I can relate so much on this journey of self discovery.

      It brings great warmth to my heart when you say “the richness of your vocabulary and the strength of your metaphors were also captivating”. When I write, I try to work hard on my descriptions. I want to be able to let the words I write flow like music into the audiences eyes.

      As a learner I recognize my strong areas, that I want to continuously develop, but sometimes I fail to see the weaker areas. Thank you for your comment on how to make my paragraphs empathize a bigger point. I will for sure glue this into my head and use it next time I write!

      Warm hugs,
      Judy 🙂

      PS: I’m so sorry I replied so late, I tried to reply to my comments last night but everything self destructed. >:(

  2. You’re absolutely correct. Writing for some people is the best form of expression for some people. Your post reminds me of a few writings I’ve read from Hope, and one from myself. Its interesting really. However your style is your own, your way of conveying a message is unique in your own right. I’ve noticed from this piece alone that you’re very descriptive of what you say, and are able to make comparisons that shed more light and give more power to what you say or write. You truly seem to understand what it means to use the pen as an extension of your mind.

    I’m in envy.

    This piece entirely I can relate to and I think any reading this find it relevant, its usually the feeling of helplessness and powerlessness that leaves individuals in such a state. You’ve written something that I believe to be quite insightful and interesting, and you’ve already made me want to read your future writings. What I would offer is that do take the opinions of others, and do learn, learn to observe and listen, but learn value. Value in your own words and thoughts, ideas and opinions. You have something to offer, continue to develop it; free that which you believe to be suppressed.

    In your way of description which is absolutely amazing, I recommend here and there you often place a very simple sentence. That often, when used correctly, grounds the concept and gives it a lot of power. All things aside. I’ve really enjoyed reading this, and I patiently await your future writings to give my mother an excuse to stay up past 9:00pm and read.

    ~Nilave 🙂

    1. Dear Nilave,

      It warms my heart to read all the kind words that you have said, thank you so much!

      I totally agree with you on the aspect of “writing being the best form of expression for some people”. Writing, for many, is a escape from reality, a sponge to absorb all the feelings and emotion that leak from within the human species. I think no matter who you are, rich, poor, old, young, strong, etc… the emotions that you are able to pour into the words you write is truly beautiful.

      I also agree that “any reading this find it relevant, the feeling of helplessness and powerlessness that leaves individuals in such a state”. I thought this was a wonderfully constructed sentence, I totally went “preach” at this. I totally agree because everyone feels helpless and powerless at one point in their life, it’s up to you to know that you have got to hit back at whatever is. Hit it so hard you knock it out with a mouth full of broken teeth.

      I really do want to improve and recognize my weaker areas in writing. Thank you for pointing out ways to improve my sentence structure! I will also glue this into my brain to remember for next time I write!

      Cheers,
      Judy 🙂

      PS: I’m so sorry I replied so late, I tried to reply to my comments last night but everything self destructed. >:(

  3. Dearest Judy,

    I think what is truly gravitating about this post is how genuine it is, I found that I could truly believe what was written and I found that I could 100% relate. These are the aspects of a piece of work that are truly important, in my opinion, as the audience is able to connect with them, which is something you did incredibly well
    throughout this piece.

    Being able to write this piece, which is intimate and personal, must have taken a lot of courage, as I know I wouldn’t be able to. The fact that you wrote such an intimate piece that was intriguing and rich is so powerful as I was clearly able to hear your voice.

    Something interesting to add is how your post reminded me of a quote:

    “Living like an empty shell is not really living, no matter how many years it may go on. The heart and flesh of an empty shell give birth to nothing more than the life of an empty shell.” -Haruki Murakami

    I would love to get your opinion on the quote, and how it may relate to your piece on a deeper level. To reiterate, this piece is truly wonderful and allowed me to more deeply understand who you are as a person and a writer and for that I truly thank you. I already love sitting in the same family group as you and by reading this piece I am even more excited for what this semester has to bring.

    Kind Regards,

    Vic

    1. Dear Victoria,

      Thank you so much for taking time to read and comment on this! It truly means a lot. 🙂

      I 100% agree with you on the aspects of an audience and writer being able to connect on such a level. Like I’ve said above, I think this type of connection holds much power. It’s truly astonishing the ways that words can bring us together.

      “Living like an empty shell is not really living, no matter how many years it may go on. The heart and flesh of an empty shell give birth to nothing more than the life of an empty shell.” -Haruki Murakam

      The moment I read this quote I felt a fire spark. This quote relates to so much of what this blog is about, an empty shell. How cool is it that these two things connect? Reading this quote, I felt goosebumps creep up onto my arm. When I read it I could sense such a bright image of hope, it was clear as day. It really hit me when I realized this quote, in my mind, can relate a lot to self love and ones frame of mind. There are a lot of obstacles we face in life and we absolutely have to learn to push back at them and overcome them or else “we’ll just be living the life of an empty shell”.

      I’m also delighted to be in the same family group as you! Can’t wait to see what this semester will bring!

      Kind wishes,
      Judy 🙂

      PS: I’m so sorry I replied so late, I tried to reply to my comments last night but everything self destructed. >:(

  4. Wow Judy! Your story is so realistic and it displays such a common problem for people who don’t love themselves. I think that everyone has felt the same way once in their lifetime, and it takes a lot of strength to step away from those negative feelings.
    Loved your story!
    Kelley

    1. Dear Kelly,

      So much thanks for reading and commenting on this!

      I think it’s very important to speak out on things that is such a common difficulty for teens. Quoting what you said, “everyone has felt the same way once in their lifetime, and it takes a lot of strength to step away from those negative feelings”, I totally agree with that. It does take so much strength and courage to step away from those feelings knowing that one day they’ll come back and try to bring you down again. That’s why I think self love is so important, it’s so important because once you learn to respect yourself no negativity can touch you. 🙂

      It’s going to be a fun semester!

      Thank you once again,
      Judy 🙂

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