Free-choice: My mind


What I’ve found out now is that I’m incredibly comfortable in silence and in a solitary environment. It is very addicting once you taste the sweetness of loneliness, in you opens a bottomless pit growing deeper and deeper and never satisfied by any amount of solitude or time. It just seems that you never want it to stop. Personally, being alone is what some people need, being alone writing in this journal of mine gives me a very different feeling and experience than being alone and completing some other task. Out of my own initiative I am writing, just so I can fill that abyss in my soul. Of course I needed a way to communicate my thoughts, maybe to whomever will read this journal afterwards or just so I can create for myself a feeling of satisfaction that, yes, yes I can clearly and explicitly communicate. Maybe it was late of me to notice, but writing is addicting and I love it; I’m entering my own world where I am the master and my word is ultimate. Naturally, introverts similar to myself, we dislike communicating; at times it frightens us. When I speak I find it synonymous to dying, I start to shake my heart is pounding and I enter the fight or flight instinct hardwired into all our minds as a result of our species surviving till this very moment. As I was saying, I like to be alone. In our day-to-day lives we always spend adhering to responsibilities and we interact with our surroundings. It is the time when we are alone by ourselves, with ourselves, when we can explore and learn more about ourselves.

Through time alone I see a way to finally commit time to myself and to develop myself as a human being, a martial artist, a student, and a thinker. I write in this journal to create a create a feeling that I am not helpless. Maybe its a comforting lie I’ve told myself similar to those told to children such as the existence of a tooth-fairy,but it is a notion I need to hold onto at least until I become stronger and more of a “man” than the weakling I see myself as now. In this mind of mine my thoughts have no way to escape because they are oppressed by fear and held in place by its shackles. This precious journal of mine is my savior and my daily reminder that I am not a waste of talent.  Maybe to the you the reader it is pathetic, but we all are creatures bred from our fears and insecurities should we realize it or not. I am a curious mind, seeking answers, and asking questions and wishing to communicate. What holds me back is fear, it has locked me away in a cage, buried me six feet underground, nailed my arms and legs down and placed a muzzle over my mouth. It does another thing too, by a little string around my neck is the key to my freedom. Its tantalizing to the point where its pure agony. How easy it is to get out, but how difficult. With each attempt the chains around me tighten and my muzzle becomes more a part of me. I am left here to die, but fate does not allow me to. However agonizing it is, by the gleam of the key a voice tells me to not give in to my fear. It told me that if it were easy, we’d all come out of our fears with our heads held high and our back straight. It speaks to me here and now saying that I have no right to lie here because I’ll let others down and that their efforts on me will be in vain, An I, I will just be another skeleton in the ground, when they say my true place lies in the stars. The despair and sadness I feel will only serve to kill me slowly. So now I lie in wait summoning my strength and will to break my chains ans so I may not fear anything anymore.


Print Friendly, PDF & Email

4 thoughts on “Free-choice: My mind

  1. Nilave,

    Let me just start off by saying that you blow me away every time you post a new piece that you have written, and that I am actually REALLY impressed with how mature and insightful your soul is.

    I absolutely adore this piece, because I can relate with exactly what you are describing. I know exactly how it is to just want to be alone because people drain you, and you have social anxiety, and how your only friend is your writing (sometimes). But my point is, I get it. I really, really do, and I suppose that is why I love this piece so much.

    I love the way that you talk about your need to write, about how it fills the abyss in your soul, about how it is addicting, about how writing allows you to have control over something. Your words are so impassioned, and it really translated to me when I was reading this piece.

    (Also, just as an FYI, you are most definitely, NOT, I repeat, NOT, under any circumstances whatsoever, a waste of talent. You are an amazing writer, and I look forward to reading your blog posts because you never fail to surprise me. The wisdom that spews out of you through the written word is absolutely brilliant, and I am always taken aback by how insightful you can be. You are not a waste of talent. You have immense talent.)

    The only thing that I would offer for you to improve on would be grammar. (Just silly mistakes, like not putting a comma where there should be one–things like that.) But all in all, this piece is fantastic.

    Infinite love and gratitude,


  2. Dear Nilave,

    I would like to commend you on the bravery it takes to open your heart and drip it painstakingly– word by word– onto a page, agonizing over the words to choose to best help people understand what you wish to say. And then to turn around and display that page of your heart on a public forum, open to critique and the eyes of many; that my friend, is true courage. So I would offer to you that perhaps you are less of a “weakling” or a coward than you believe. Furthermore, I truly appreciated how you explored the idea of solitude and further salute your level of self-awareness in realizing why it is you enjoy solicitude. Certain lines were extremely poignant, especially, ” It is the time when we are alone by ourselves, with ourselves, when we can explore and learn more about ourselves.” In this post you have explored a beautiful element of self-discovery that I believe all young men need, because I often find myself in the cyclicality of these emotions. So from one young man to another, each on their respective journeys to manhood, I salute and validate the courage you have displayed.
    I honour you.
    I thank you.
    I appreciate you.
    I notice you.

    In lieu of what I have said above, I do have some literary critique to offer. Realize that these words are purely focused upon the literary elements of your work, not upon your philosophy. There is a separate time and place that I will always be open to if you wish to discuss those. First and foremost, I would suggest you take a look at your GUMPS, as there are still some of those issues present and those can hinder the readers ability to understand your ideas. Perhaps another proof-read of the piece is necessary before submission to clean that up. I would also offer that you play with the structure of your piece as a means to develop greater pathos and as an extension, a greater connection to your audience. A beautiful example of this is any of Vanessa’s work. You can split up paragraphs into ideas to help the reader pause and ruminate upon what it is you say, and even venture to the use of singular lines to punctuate the message. A beautiful place to do that in piece would have been the above line I quoted.

    Nonetheless my dear Nilave, I again convey a warmth of heart to you that honours the words of this piece. You are a fascinating young man, rife with potential and the self awareness to discover and proliferate your own greatness. Forget not that you are on a journey and by virtue of a journey, you are more than allowed to fail and stumble and be lost. The creation of self is not a linear path, but an organic branching out of the self through the different paths and opportunities that life provides. Much like the growth of a tree, early on, as you and I are, there will be many branches grown and paths attempted. But as we develop, many branches will fall off to serve the growth of the trunk– the heart centre, the core, the soul– call it what you will. So again my friend, I offer my heart to you in recognition of the heart you offer to us.

    Humbly yours,

  3. Dear Nilave:

    I think I’ve said this before, and will say it a million times more. No matter where life takes you, who you meet, and what happens to you, you must keep being yourself. Two years ago at this time, my biggest problem was probably getting my Renaissance Idol project done on time. Those problems have expanded far and wide, but right alongside them, the most precious and beautiful things that I have ever had the honor to see came.

    As an introvert, you (and undoubtedly, have noticed this too), have such deep and meaningful comments, but little way to share them. I’ve seen this, again and again, take the other day for example. We were debating over the meaning of some symbols in A Streetcar named Desire (It won’t let me italicize it.). I’m certain that if you were put up with a random person who has also read it, you would not have said half the things that you did to me. I actively have to stop myself from saying too much, usually, as I am a hopelessly outgoing extrovert. (Personally, I think that’s a good thing, but I’ve never had the experience of being anything else, nor will I ever.) You, for the most part of your life, never say much at all, and I can safely bet that lots of teachers at Parent/Teacher interviews encourage you to participate more. You’ve broken this barrier, if not completely, then enough that you can shove your head through the hole you made in your walls and speak, but also have the ability to lie down and be to yourself again.

    I’ve had the amazing pleasure of seeing you use your mental martial arts moves and kick massive holes in your walls (and, you know, probably, people in your way while you were at it, also.). You went from this silent, thinking, tiny *Slap*, OK, not tiny, never tiny. You went from that into a less silent, greater thinking, and… Bigger person? I hope you can see where I’m going with this. I like to think that I played a small role in getting you to kick those walls, but really, you did it all yourself. Maybe you saw me screaming out something intelligent in class and realized that nobody was judging me, but really, I think you did it all yourself. That’s something that I don’t think I could have done on my own; it was hard enough to lower my talkative self so people wouldn’t get annoyed. I can’t imagine how downright terrifying it was to open yourself to others.

    So, Nilave, never let your fears get the better of you. I’m likening these fears to your metaphorical walls, fears that have dominated you for most of your life, as you described magically, though slightly terrifyingly. But you’ve grown, you’ve become yourself 2.0, and for that, I have nothing to say but the highest level of respect. *Salute*

    Much respect and love,

  4. You are demonstrating a thoughtfulness to your ideas. It is time to work on your structure – less chunky paragraphs and a minimum of 3 (beginning, middle, end) and to work to improve your style and GUMPS. A great mind like yours needs to practice daily to improve, so that your writing exemplifies your mind.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *