They have been given infinite choice!

And within the context of this infinite choice there is a shocking disregard for the laws of society, a shocking and regrettable disregard for the order of things, I must say. What sort of teacher allows her students to write on any subject that their young minds wish to pollinate with their fanciful notions of justice and beauty. By George, I must say that herein lies a shocking disregard for the very foundation of the educational system! Before we know it the little munchkins will want an even lower age for the vote and demand that they must be allowed to operate a motor vehicle the moment they wrap their minds around the concept of not soiling their own garments. I tell you, this very notion of a “free choice blog” in high school is a flagrant and unconcealed attack upon traditional virtues by that new-age, hippie movement that seeks to establish roots deep in the system by ways of sweet words and the common vote! Why do you think they demand a lower voting age?

I tell you, first they did away with corporal punishment and everyone thought, “What a novel idea! I tell you, the age of barbarianism is over. We need students who are raised through love and coddling, not fear of the stick!”

Of courses that is what we need! Children who suckle on their mother until they are forty and have the valiant courage it takes to stand up to one’s professor and openly disagree with their vast experience and knowledge when one has barely turned old enough to understand the difference between an apple and an apricot. My word, in fact that is exactly the type of courage that will win one a right to be grouped by those great and daring men who we credit for the modern world: William the Conqueror, Christopher Columbus, William Wallace, and Joey the Village idiot! Amendment: Joey the Class Idiot!

I tell you it’s a mistake. These students need to be moulded and forged; their young brains need to be taught to adhere to straight and strong principles of rights and wrong, not given the option of free choice. My word, what shall they even write about? Just yesterday I caught one of a “ripe” 17 years digging for gold in the deep recesses of his nostrils, hoping, it seemed, to uncover the hidden treasure that Blackbeard had shoved into to his brain cavity. If I had not swatted his hand from his face, the boy might yet have given himself an aneurysm in the process. Now you tell me, if I must still instruct them to not excavate every opening they discover on their body, what substance can they produce that is worthy of literary interest, much less acclaim?

I tell you, the system has softened. We tell each of them that they can be whatever they want, and hand out ribbons for participation. Foe Pete’s sake, participation!?

“Son thank you for your informative attempt at explaining why your urine turns yellow, but next time we would prefer you try another means of experimentation over a live demonstration. Nonetheless, great attempt! Here’s a ribbon so that you can tell your parents what a great job you did while publicly urinating. We hope to see you again next year!”

I tell you it’s not far off! What children need is a firm guiding hand that is not afraid to clasp them on their rumpus every time they stray off course. What they do not need is the over-the-top, sugary sweet glazing of political correctness and equality this system has muddled into. It is as if the very notion of authority has melted into a puddle of optional choices and strong suggestions. Have you ever heard of a more disgraceful term for a professor to have to use than “strongly suggest”? I mean, my word! “Strongly suggest?” What does such a phrase even mean? In all my years of teaching, not once have I been more stumped by a literary term than this. If it is a suggestion, then what sort of arrogant nincompoop would dare to make that offer with a muscular metaphor that connotes a demand? And if it is a demand what sort of pigeon-liver’d educator would soften their authority with the hint of a choice? Which educator could even conceive of such a terribly loose, meaningless term! I tell you, the day you catch me using that term is the day you’ll know it is time to ship me off to the loony bin.

And don’t even get me started on the terrible state of affairs surrounding the actual classroom. I tell you, they expect students to learn when surrounding them with hundreds of little posters that molest the eyes with neon characters jumping up and down reminding the children not to use drugs and attempting to inspire their better virtues. Ha! Being in that room alone is akin to taking a tour of a hippies mind during a Zeppelin concert. There is no better drug prevention than forcing a child to attempt to learn in an environment like that.

Oh my, and the students themselves! My, my, my! In my day there was a respect for discipline and order, but now days… I could not have imagined in my worst dreams of a didactic hell what has become of the standard today. There are girls with short hair and black nails, and kilts that come up past their knees, but even this is not my greatest concern.

I tell you, there are boys here with hair that disgraces the very core of  civility and manhood. Some among them have converted completely to the hippies faith and have become transfixed with looking like they are birthing a potato from between their ears! Hair that reaches longer than any boy who has the privilege of living in a house should ever keep has found it’s way to become an accepted standard, and to some blind babes, even attractive. I tell you I cannot even conceive of it. They walk around looking like have a dog’s tail hanging form their crown and I have heard some of them use the most pathetic of oxymoron’s to describe it: a manbun. Yes, a man bun. Never before have I seen two such contradictory terms placed side by side and cross-bred into one word. No respectable man would ever be caught with such an atrocity upon his brow, and no “bun” will ever associate itself with a definition of manhood in the civil world. I tell you, the days of the samurai are over! And I know for sure that Joey is no warrior, unless we count the battle he wages against his sniffer as a war, in which case he must be awarded the title of “Joey the Vanquisher of Common Health and Bringer of Plague.”

I tell you there is no hope for students so long as teachers keep awarding them these ridiculous opportunities to express themselves and their half-baked thoughts.

I must concede though, I do wonder what they would produce given the opportunity; what sort of fanatical, one-sided thoughts would they procure from the empty caverns of their narrow and yet undeveloped minds?

I must say, I do wonder…


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2 thoughts on “Nonsense

  1. Siddharth,

    I just wanted to take a second to appreciate not only this piece as a whole, but specifically some of your diction choices; words like ” nincompoop” and “looney bin” that were used with such a good-natured, yet biting tone, added an air of hilarity to this piece, and I must say–I loved it.

    Additionally, I also adored some sentences and phrases, my favourite being;
    “. . . one of a “ripe” 17 years digging for gold in the deep recesses of his nostrils, hoping, it seemed, to uncover the hidden treasure that Blackbeard had shoved into to his brain cavity. If I had not swatted his hand from his face, the boy might yet of given himself an aneurysm in the process.”

    The way which this sentence is written is pure genius, and I love how bitter, yet slightly hysterical, your tone is.

    I don’t think that this comment did your blog justice, but I just wanted to let you know how funny, and how humorous it really is. I don’t have anything that I would offer for improvement, for this was just absolutely brilliant in a very strange way.

    Infinite love an gratitude,


  2. Dear Siddharth,
    My, oh my, what a marvelous piece to read! With all the sadness that I’ve been reading of these last few days, as well as the tragedy (with the presentation on Poe), I’ve honestly had a sort of a gloomy, dark beautiful kind of mood towards all kinds of writing. After reading these blog pieces, there’s still a good amount of tragedy and sadness; however, there’s also beauty. That’s something I noticed when I was reading through these blogs, basking the unparalleled thinking of my peers…until I came upon yours. Don’t get me wrong, your piece still had a kind of beauty to it, but rather a strange kind of beauty. I was smiling the entire time I was reading it, and even re-read it again, without attempting to analyze it, just because I wanted to feel the laughter inside me as I read your blog post. I could literally hear your voice, reading this out to the class with great enjoyment. I actually still have little giggles trapped inside of me as I write this (aren’t I the disciplined type?). So, anyway, I wanted to congratulate you for being able to write this piece of writing that is wrapped in brilliance. You’re extremely talented in your writing, in your speech, in understanding your audience, in everything. A vast majority of the things you say leave me in deep thought, and as such, it has become an expectation whenever I see any of your writing; this writing not only met that expectation, but completely broke it into unrecognizable pieces.

    The nigh impossible feat that this spectacular piece managed to pull off, in my opinion, was that it was able to focus on a particular topic that was a reality, but at the same time, it was able to speak of it in a very lighthearted, easy-going type of manner. I’ve honestly been trying to do that in my blog posts since the beginning of the year, but I never manage to pull it off. Through your masterful use of exclamatory sentences, I could hear a sort of voice that was saying it, although I’m not quite sure how I would describe that voice. The repetition of the words, “I tell you”, develop the voice of the speaker as I am reading this wonderful piece.

    The AHA which struck me the most, which sent this piece right to my heart, was my realization of the topic. If I’m not wrong, then the topic of this piece was about how students should NOT be given the chance to write “Free-Choice Blogs”, but you kind of conveyed your ideas through that exact form of writing…I feel quite proud of myself for that. Your second last paragraph, the paragraph in which you contemplate about WHAT the high-school student may write if they had to write these so-called “Free-Choice Blogs” serves the enhance the irony in this piece. Also, about the teenagers with long hair, isn’t there a certain someone we know who is approaching that hair length, although they may not quite be there yet? (Cough*Cough*Cough*).

    On a more serious note, I’d like to say that I agree with your ideas! In this era, teenagers are often seen in a rebellious fashion, one where they are not quite mature, and often do stupid things (that sounds like me…). Discipline is an important virtue, but I believe it needs to be balanced with lightheartedness, quite like the way your piece is written. We can’t have people who are overly serious, but they cannot have that entire happy-go-lucky kind of style either…there needs to be a balance; the only problem is that finding this balance is nigh impossible. Either we will be too serious, or too easy-going, and this may vary over time.

    One thing which I wanted to appreciate was the intense sarcasm inside of this satirical piece. Your use of sarcasm was extremely obvious, despite the fact that I did not have someone speaking to me (and in case you were not aware, I find it incredibly difficult to detect sarcasm in literature). The reason for this is because you are a master of building a voice inside the piece, so that the reader is forced to have their mind speak the entire piece to the heart of the individual. I believe that a strong reason for this would be your choice of diction. In my opinion, diction is something you have a very strong control over; it’s a ship that you steer, or a car that you are driving.

    If I dare to offer any improvement in this piece, it would be a sort of change to the title. Yes, my ideas of improvement are that lame, but for now, I’m honestly in too much of a fit of laughter to be able to give any solid information! Perhaps, hopefully, I’ll read this again, and at that time, give you a proper form of improvement. The reason I wanted to ask of you to change the title, was because it was a little distracting, in that I do not detect any strong ideas of Nonsense in this writing…unless… you meant that this entire writing piece was meant to be seen as nonsense (that’s not how I see it as this moment, but it may be a possibility)… and in that case, well done Sir. I could not find any way, shape, or form to give you any ideas for improvement. Forgive me.

    Again, I want to congratulate you on writing such an amazing satirical piece, and thank you for that as well. It has helped me in so many ways to improve me as a writer, and it also eased my mental state by quite a bit! Thank you, sir, for relieving my stress! What surprises me most, is the fact that you had no solid idea to write this when you started your free choice; it was something that came to you as you wrote it.

    Now, I wonder how I am going to write my own free choice…

    Sincerely and Yours Truly,


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