The beginning.
For 9 years we were nothing but classmates who were constantly placed in the same classes together, but had no interaction. We both knew who each other were, but we never spoke.
It was that one day remember, we finally locked gazes, and as if seeing each other for the first time, we greeted each other with our eyes, soon shyly glancing away.
September.
We are eventually forced into conversation, as it is impossible to avoid someone who is directly facing you in your table group.
It starts off shy and innocent, testing the waters for safety. Soon a enjoyably pleasant sense of comfortable sinks in, and a feel of friendship forms. We exchange numbers. I secretly have pictures of you on my phone.
October.
Cold settles in, basketball season begins. Girls tryout before boys. Tryouts end, and I am sweating immensely. You are watching in the corner, waiting for your time to warm up on the court. I head over to where you are, drenched in sweat, in search of my water bottle but I can’t find it. You offer me your own. I shyly thank you for the bottle and before turning away you add, “You were great out there.”
November.
Christmas time: crisp snow softly descends from the cold clouds, and our calm class commences into the craziness of “Secret Santa”. Names are pulled from a hat. I hope I get you. I don’t. The girl next to me does. I plead with her to trade. She agrees. I see you exchanging with another boy. Who could you possibly have? I inquire. I snoop. I steal a glance. You won’t tell me. Confident, I ask if it is me. You gaze at me shrewdly and answer with a blatant, “No.”
I choose your gift carefully and thoughtfully: a scarf I crocheted myself. It was the best handicraft I ever made. I put every ounce of emotion into each Secret Santa letter I give you, but you throw them away right after reading. I pack your gift luxuriously, tossing in multi-flavoured candy canes and a hand-made Christmas letter full of love. You end up ignoring the card, leaving it in the bag, choosing to read it later. You never do.
During exchange you are not there. You are busy with the rehearsing for Christmas a play. I assume you have already given your gift. I wait for you after school in the drama room. The cast trickles in and out and we make small conversation until most of the people have left. You compliment me on our basketball tournament win, expressing how you wished you had made the team. I take that opportunity to offer you some coaching for the next year, but it’s secretly an excuse to spend more time with you. You graciously accept. We are standing in from of the large makeup mirror and you turn on the Christmas light decorations that border it. I use the interruption as a chance to offer you your secret Santa gift. You look surprised.
You immediately wrap the warm scarf around your neck and pull me into a giant hug. I ingest every second of your warmth. Suddenly you raise your arms up and cover my eyes. I squeal with a ticklish delight. I love it when you play with me. You tell me not to open my eyes and I obligingly obey. My bare head is suddenly covered with a woolly warmth. My eyes open in surprise. Your face is inches from my own, adjusting the headpiece upon my head. Surprised, I snapped my eyes shut once again, my heart now skipping beats. You were so close to me. Our unequal heights cause me to feel your breath exhaling upon my neck. You tell me to open my eyes and I do, looking straight into the mirror. A new cloth graces my head. It is a pretty winter hat, knit beautifully and in the colours of white and brown. A failed attempt at a flower accessorizes the front. I realize I haven’t received a gift from my own Secret Santa because it was you.
“Merry Christmas.” You say.
December 20.
I am moving schools. It is a high school, a whole new environment.
You plan a day for just you and me, no one else. It is something simple: playing basketball in the park.
I notice you have grown. Once before below me, you are now above me, and you have to tilt your head downwards to look at me.
The way you gaze at me lovingly, the way you change when you touch me; you treat me gently.
The way you speak, the way you move.
Your handsome face, your charming smile.
I love all of it.
It is a puppy love, so pure and innocent. We both know our relationship has developed past simple friendship, but we do not acknowledge it.
“Best friends forever.” You grab my hand and tell me, promising to keep in contact.
Forever is a lie.
1 month. Few exchanges on social media. I am busy getting used to my new school. At the time it is tough to make new friendships, I rely on the support your words give me.
3 months. Less interaction. I spontaneously message you and you answer. Scared of losing touch, I suggest a movie and some dinner at Wendy’s. You agree.
The movie is cancelled. Something “comes up” for you. I am disappointed, but I optimistically say we can do it another time.
Weeks later I learn you cancelled to go out to with a girl. Jealousy springs upon me before I can even process the news. She happens to be a girl I told you I disliked and you expressed that the feeling was mutual. What a lie.
4 months. You no longer reply to my messages. I don’t even know if you read them. Yes, you were never a big texter, but this is too much. I receive new news on your current life. You are dating the girl you went out with.
More jealousy.
5 months. Strange rumors reach my restless ears. Rumors that are uncouth, vulgar, and unbelievable. Things I would never have thought could be spoken about me. Secrets I had only told you appear in other peoples conversations, and everyone knows them. Everyone knows me. I inquire from some old friends. Your new sweetheart is talking about me. I complain, but as one who is not a part of that community anymore, I am shut out and rejected.
6 months. I finally make friends at my new school; it was hard to find people who didn’t acknowledge groundless gossip. Rumors transfer between both schools and at one point I cannot take it anymore. I have to delete my *Ask.fm. The abuse is too much.
I call you, and for once you answer. Though you try and act like you do not, it is obvious you believe the lies.
There is shouting on the phone. Crying. Endless profanity is tossed back and forth. More crying. I am not even listening to your yells anymore, I am drowning in my own sobs. My throat is so blocked with mucus and cries I can no longer speak. I am choking. My head hurts. You hang up.
I wish I had never met you.
A whole year later.
I have a new life. I am finally enjoying school. I am over you…at least I say I am. You remain in my heart. I should hate you but I don’t.
You leave little comments on my photos on Facebook or Instagram time and time again. They are full of apology, or of praise; you are trying to atone for your sins. You are trying to woo me again, to make me forgive you, and I will not fall for it.
What hurts the most is that things can never be the same again, even if I wanted them to.
…For you took my heart, and you shattered it.
*For those of you that do not know, Ask.fm is an anonymous question and answer platform website used regularly by lots of young people around the world. It allows anyone to post anonymous comments and questions to a person’s profile and it is increasingly being used as a means to communicate abusive, bullying and sexualised content.
Sources:
Photo#1: http://jaz19.deviantart.com/art/heartbroken-196172952
Photo #2: https://www.wattpad.com/548313-heart-of-shattered-glass
Dear Timi-
There is so much that I want to say about what you wrote. First of all, it really touched me. This story is both beautiful and sad, but the thing that I appreciate the most is that you wrote about something that could happen to anyone. This is the sadness and the truth that I found- it is so easy for people you think you know and people you think you love to betray you. Personally, I found a real connection to what you wrote because even though I have not been in that particular kind of situation, I have been put in positions where I have to shed my naivety and realize that people can be cruel… and that sometimes, it comes from the people we thought would never hurt us.
I also want to complement your style of writing- especially your syntax and diction. You use simple language but in such a way that it reflects the personality of your character. I love the way you structured your piece, where each individual emotion has the right to its own paragraph. The short and blunt sentences I found to be very effective; for me, at least, through them I could identity with your character because her love, pain and frustration was so sharp and prominent.
I want to note for you, however, that when I was reading this the first time, I found several GUMPS errors, especially when it came to quotations. These errors took me out of your writing periodically, so for next time, I would love be immersed in your wonderful writing without grammatical and punctuation errors disrupting the flow.
Something that really caught my eye was where you used Ask.fm as a medium through which your character receives the sharp end of gossip and hate. Several of my friends with Ask.fm accounts have gone through similar emotional experiences, and what you wrote rang true for me here. I really want to applaud your boldness at writing about something that is so true and yet so hard to say. Reading between the lines, I found opinions that matched mine- the anonymity of social media such as Ask.fm only encourages people to post cruel things because the consequences won’t bounce back onto them. For all social media and forms of electronic communication, the distance between two people leads to relations that may be warped for the lack of being face to face, as you demonstrate through the dwindling texts and the phone call of crying and yelling towards the end.
I also want to highlight the last paragraph of what you wrote; it was beautiful and I found it to resonate deeply with me. You are right, after ordeals like that things can never be the same again. This is something that people cease to understand; flowers, apologies, and kind words cannot take back the damage that has been done. If I crumple up a piece of perfectly smooth paper and then try to flatten in out again, I can never remove the creases that have been lain into the paper.
We can forgive, but sometimes we can’t forget.
There is one last, small thing that I want to acknowledge- the way you cause time to pass in your piece is seamless. Whether you were speeding it up, slowing it down, or merely letting events play out naturally, your manipulation of time as a way to show how quickly things happen and how little control we may have over them was absolutely brilliant.
I honestly feel blessed to have gotten an opportunity to read this. You are an incredibly talented writer, Timi, and I look forward to reading what you put out there next.
Infinite Love and Gratitude,
Ziyana
Dear Timi,
Holy cow. First off, I would like to say–holy cow. Your post truly struck me in a way that I had never experienced before. The emotion and deeper meaning seeping through the text was just unreal. Thank you so much for sharing. 🙂
One thing (out of the many) that I truly enjoyed in this piece, as stated above, was the emotion you were able to convey. I felt all the emotions that the narration described: pain, love, joy, and loneliness in a truly heart wrenching way. I found myself re-reading this piece over and over just to experience the utter brilliance of the emotional impact. Furthermore, my being ached for what you had felt and the abandonment that presented itself. I really empathized with you as a reader, and I desperately wanted to shake the meanness away; no one should have to go through that.
One of my favourite lines in your post is “What hurts the most is that things can never be the same again, even if I wanted them to.” This hit me especially hard. I can’t say that I can relate to this specific situation, but I can say that I have had my heart broken. And you captured the aftermath of such heartbreak in only one sentence, which is really exceptional. This quote describes how even if one would like to go back to the way things were, or the way that a friendship/relationship used to be, it most often will never be the same. I think it takes a lot of courage to leave what once was behind, and for that I absolutely admire and adore you!!
One question that I would like to hear your opinion on is that regarding social media. In today’s modern society, how do you think social media affects one’s relationships with others? And maybe touch on how it is different from other generations…? 🙂
In conclusion, I would like to thank you again for sharing such an amazing piece of literature. It is one that I will always think of when I come back to blog. Can’t wait to see more!!
Sincerely,
Carmen 🙂
Dear Timi,
I’ll just start out by saying that I adore this blog post. It took me, as a reader, on a journey from shyness, to friendship, to love, and then to heartbreak. I loved the choice to put the dates and months into your writing, it really showed how much time can change a situation. If this was about your experience, I understand how someone can come back to you after so long and think he or she can apologize and things can go back to the way they used to be. This is not the case.
As for the rumours and talk on social media, it really sickens me to think about how so many people can say such horrible things about a person through a screen. The impact it can have on someone, especially at our age, can be devastating. What I really took from this post was a strong sense of understanding one’s worth and not letting something you once loved or wanted define you. I really look forward to reading more of your writing because this truly was captivating.
With love,
Alysha
Timi,
I’ve personally never had a crush on anyone in my life in all honesty, so I find it a little difficult to connect to your piece. However, it was rather unique how showed the development of your relationship over time by placing the month or time above a certain section. You also show in your piece how some relationships can never be repaired, I’ve personally experienced this with friends myself, after losing contact or having a fight, things could never go back to the way they were. You also show how strongly social media can impact someone, though it can seem a harmless way for people to connect with each other, but it can also end up severely hurting someone’s feelings.
I hope to see more emotional and interesting pieces from you in the future.
– Genevieve