A World of Indefinites

If there is anything I could say I “believe in” it is this: I believe in the world being indefinite. I believe in every belief, truth, and value to be flawed, therefore even this belief can not be the truth of my existence. Perhaps it is because I choose to challenge and explore the depths of all the “what-ifs” and “buts”, for I am incapable of finding solace in simplicity.

Could you imagine a world in which we all lived in pure question? No longer could life be categorized into insignificant black and white boxes. Instead, our minds would have to adapt and evolve into a grey chaos of instability and suffering. Humans would either be enlightened by the rise of new philosophies or liberate their minds from the torment “grey chaos” poses on their egos. Life in itself would not change, but the essence of the way in which we view the world would shatter into a million little shambles of sharp glass, inflicting pain and agony upon our minds and souls.

Yet, I still chose to believe in the power of the alternate perspective; I propose that truth acts as a variable that combines circumstance, life experience, and time, all of which are subject to change. And it is that transformation of thought that causes the world to be full of indefinite possibilities. For this is why, I can not believe in anything but the power of those “buts” and “what-ifs.”

But what does that mean? What does not knowing what to believe in actually transcend into? Many may refer to it as “ignorance is bliss” but I disagree. I would offer that the more you know the less you understand and for every answer there are a thousand more questions waiting to be discovered and solved. Believing in the world of Indefinite means stimulating one’s curiosity and awakening empathy, for in order to be empathetic, one must learn how to be understanding of all truths.

There will always be contradiction. For no truth can be a lie. And no lie could be a fact, yet within a lie lives the truth of inevitable circumstances, time, and one’s desires and fears. Truth exists in the beholders soul, for the intellect can not reason beyond its limitations. Truth is above all else. Yet the truth in itself is indefinite, for it varies minute to minute, day to day, year to year. I believe in the truths of the past, present and future. But more so I believe in the imperfections each truth entails of which makes it both contentious yet honest.

I cannot dare to say love is definite, for whenever I do, it either dissipates with the evolution of my truth or shape-shifts into doubt.
But for when I feel love for Him I wish and desire for it to be infinite.

I can not dare to say God is above mankind, for whenever I do, I look into nature and find Him embracing me in the wind and sheltering me with His trees.
Yet when adversity strikes I call His name relentlessly in hope of a miracle.

I can not dare to say God is merciful, for when I was suffering to breathe, He was absent. Perhaps even onlooking the spectacle with great amusement.
However, when everything seemed to be lost and doomed, He lit a candle of hope within my soul guiding the light to ignite my intellect, forcing me to choose life or death.

I can not dare to say God loves me, for when the man in the white coat said “The next 48 hours are crucial” no God or truth helped me escape the desire to fall into death’s deceitful realm of a humble abode.

Yet I survived.

I can not dare to say God is real.
But I can dare to say Our love is.

Every statement I chose to share above is a truth of its own time and place. For I believe in love yet I doubt it. For I love God yet I question his validity. For validity I question, yet I’ve chosen to embrace “grey.” And I have chosen to embrace “grey” yet I still yearn for order.


Ultimate mayhem in my mind. Yet this is what I believe in. I believe in not having a concrete answer, for I am constantly learning and experiencing life for what it truly is, art.


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12 thoughts on “A World of Indefinites

  1. Dear Malika,

    To begin with, I would like to state simply that I am not a religious person. The concept of religion and belief in a higher power as a resplendent force in life is a beautiful thought, I have always believed. Yet, I have wondered how one could believe in a God that evokes acts of selfishness and greed and inhumanity from those around the world.

    This piece was brutally honest with this thought, acknowledging that this God is not always present, or honest, or merciful with His actions and the turmoils He may put of through. You have revealed this vulnerability of yourself and your faith in a work of art that commends and condemns this “higher power” – though you state that you do not believe He is above mankind. It was divinely written, and the way in which you described the imperfections of truth and the beauty of indefiniteness are able to make any individual question themselves, yet learn to be alright with not knowing the concrete truths in life.

    I do not think I will become a religious individual in the near or far future. It is simply not within my capacity to live such a lifestyle of enlightenment, yet doubt, of truth, yet dishonesty.

    But as I read this, for a short period of time, I was placed in the mind and soul of such an individual. It is difficult to be in such a state of mind based purely on the writing of another, yet you have done so. Thank you for this opportunity, and the privilege of allowing me to read such an intangibly indefinite work of art.

    Love, Claire

    1. Dear Claire,

      I’d like to thank you for your kind words of which have truly touched my heart. This definitely wasn’t an easy piece to let go of as it is full of vulnerable “truths.” However after reading your comment I finally feel at peace with myself.

      I’d like to thank you for being open-minded towards this piece and experiencing it open-heartedly, for my writing is nothing more than typed up words if not interpreted with love and genuine interest. Thank you for showing my “belief” respect and love and allowing it to encompass your being in the moments in which you immersed yourself within my souls “truth.”

      Warm wishes and lots of love,

  2. Dear Malika,

    This is so incredibly beautiful, awe-spiring, and enlightening. You have raw talent and have shone light upon a truth – or rather a concept – that has never crossed my mind before. I absolutely adore the philosophical, explanatory approach you took with this piece – after reading this I truly do feel as though I can now freely approach that “grey chaos.”

    Throughout this piece, you were able to adeptly utilize contrast to further illuminate the idea that nothing is ever truly finite; an idea which itself can’t be catagorized into white or black boxes. The message you presented impacted me in a way which I cannot explain – even if it was simply for a moment. Like Claire, I was able to peer into the mind of someone who is not anything like me.
    I was able to reside in the mind of one who realizes the truth about the truth – that it is never completely the truth and that everything is constantly changing. I was able to see clearly that everything that exists could possibly be a paradox.

    The only thing I can say that needs working on is the line “Could you imagine a world of which we all lived in pure question?” Perhaps if you used “in which” instead of “of which” it would flow better.

    Thank you for the beauty of you mind and the way in which you were able to illuminate such a abstract idea in a way that made it real.

    Love always,


    1. Dear Vanessa,

      I am humbled by your loving and kind words. Thank you for immersing yourself within a piece of writing that reflected the state of my soul. As a writer nothing could mean more to me than having a reader feel the emotions I am feeling and understanding the chaos within my mind, for it wasn’t easy for me to verbalize it into just a few words.

      Also, thank you for your suggestion! I made the edit in the blog post and can already tell what a difference it makes, I appreciate your help in enhancing the quality of this blog post.

      I pray that you have the strength to approach that grey chaos and embrace it with open arms, for it will be the most sacred gift and the strongest poison you will presented with.

      Warm wishes and lots of love,

  3. Hello, I am Erica from Mr. Avelar’s English honours class at the International School of Panama. I really liked your essay, though I am not a religious person, i thought it made a lot of sense. I honestly did not see the part about God coming so upon reading it I was intrigued by what you said. Overall, a great piece. I can only offer advice by pointing out that there were quite a few rhetorical questions.
    Best of luck in the future.

    1. Dear Erica,

      Thank you for connecting with this blog and sharing with me your experience while reading it, for nothing can touch my heart more than knowing someone else has accepted a part of my soul.
      Also thank you for the feedback you have given me to improve as a writer. I sincerely appreciate your thoughts.

      Warm Wishes,

  4. Dear Malika,
    Hello, I’m Sully from the International School of Panama and I’m in Mr. Avelar’s English 10 Honours class. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this amazing personal essay that you have written. I found this to be one of the most incredible piece of writing that i have read in a long time. The one part of your piece that I enjoyed the most had to be your use of the phrase “grey chaos”. I enjoyed it so much because I have felt this chaos in my life but I have never been able to put it into words. I thank you for writing this amazing piece that I enjoyed so much. I don’t know if I have ever felt the amount of emotion that this caused me to feel.

    1. Dear Sully,

      One of the hardest journeys I have ever imparted upon is the journey of trying to sort through the various thoughts in mind, the “grey chaos”, for there was a time of which I was in denial because of my ego. Don’t be afraid of the grey chaos, embrace it, for it can either be your best friend or worst enemy. Let your mind run free.

      I feel humbled by your praise and I am more than grateful for your comment. As a writer and an individual there is nothing more that I can strive for other than moving one with my thoughts and words. Thank you for connecting with my soul, and accepting my writing for what it truly is, meditation.

      I pray that you have the courage to continue on living within this “grey chaos” and prospering in life. You are in my thoughts and prayers, thank you for igniting a glow of happiness within my heart.


  5. Dear Malika,
    I arrived at this essay excepting a short and mediocre passage. I had analyzed many such responses before, but none with such deep thoughts and the ability to invoke emotions within me. I must say I am deeply impressed in your ability to create a type of rhythm and continuity, expressing the true world as such. You represent God as not being above humanity, and sitting there staring at the world either crumble and fall beneath us, or enlighten a spark inside of us, as you said; forcing oneself to choose between life and death. I myself am not religious in any way, though it still deeply touches me.
    I would like to thank you greatly for allowing me to read it, and I am honoured to have done so. On behalf of the entire International School of Panama, Thank You.

    1. Dear Toby,

      I can not express my gratitude to you for empathizing with and understanding my “truth.” Letting go of this piece definitely was not an easy process as it left my soul naked, vulnerable and up for judgement. I thank you for reading it open-heartedly and allowing it to touch your heart in a way I did not know my thoughts had the capability of doing.

      Thank you for understanding me and giving me the privilege to share a piece of my heart and soul with you. I sincerely hope that one day I also get the chance to read some of your work and get to know more about your truth, for I know it too is full of beauty and wisdom.

      Signed with love and gratitude,

  6. Hello, I’m Kevin Zeller from the International School of Panama and I’m in Mr. Avelar’s English 10 Honours class! I feel that my response is an offense to your essay because what you wrote is so good and this response is so short and shallow. I love how you express your idea on the juxtaposition between truths and lies. The opinions you share are extremely deep and thought provoking. Amazingly you seem to be able to believe in everything while doubting all at the same time. The ending where you express your relationship with god really got me thinking on how faith is a frail thing which we feed through our perspective on daily happenings. Yet as strong as it may be in times of despair we all seem to doubt it. Thank you for this amazing essay it loved it!

    1. Dear Kevin,

      Firstly, please do not say your response is an offence because for me it is a gift, a blessing. Your thoughts are in no way shallow, for they are full of love and emotion. I thank you for gifting me with this blessing of your opinion and graceful words.

      I can not verbalize the appreciation I have for you and the students in your class for all the kindness you have all showered upon us. Thank you for expressing what in this piece specifically touched your heart and sharing with me a connection and bond over the fascinating beauty of interplay between belief and doubt in our faith in God.

      Thank you for sharing with me your beautiful thoughts, I hope to one day in the near future learn and read more about your truths and values as well!

      Signed with humble gratitude and warm wishes,
      Your friend:

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